Chicken Soup for the Soul

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I hate, hate HATE these books with a bloody passion. They're so purely written, so sweetsy cutsey sugary I go into a diabetic coma just looking at the covers.

(Although the Beavis and Butthead version was pretty damned funny).

You know, when I'm depressed, I don't want to read "light-hearted, uplifting" glurge. I want bitter, dark, pissed off stories. You know, so I realize, damn, my life doesn't suck nearly that bad!

[vacationland]

I hear you. There's a reason my favorite self-help book is Wake Up and Smell the Coffee: 365 Daily Doses of Reality. They're anti-affirmations!

If you want to work through your Chicken Soupy pain, you should try writing an entry for the series. The publishers of those books buy most of the content from freelancers. You could make up something so incredibly cloying even they would have to reject it. Then you'd have the treat of written proof of rejection by the masters of hokey, uplifting mainstream wisdom. I don't know about you, but that would cheer me right up. And hey, if they actually buy it, well, at least you'll get paid.

I recommend a story about a kitten. Maybe a kitten with cancer. A brave kitten with cancer. And for god's sake, use a pseudonym!

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Ugh. The stories in the Chicken Soup books all sound like they were written by the same people who call into Delilah. I can just see them writing the manuscripts with big fat pink markers on Lisa Frank stationary.

[kostgard]

My sister once gave me a "chicken soup" book and I almost disowned her for it.

Man, HATE these books. The only story that I can remember from the one my sister gave me was "written" by this guy whose wife would always scoop something out of this canister she kept in the kitchen every time she baked something. He would ask her what was in it, what could she possibly be using in every single recipe, and she refused to tell him and told him to never look in the canister. After she died, he looked in the canister and saw that there was only a scrape of paper with the word "love" written on it sitting in the bottom. Of course the poor widower breaks down in tears.

Okay, call me cold-hearted, but I laughed at that story. First of all, I don't buy for a second that he never looked in that canister when his wife wasn't home. Second of all, his wife actually went through the motions - miming scooping something out of the canister - every single time she cooked or baked? Sir, I am sorry for your loss, but your wife was crazy.

[Deleted]

Heh. The one that always bugged me the most was the old lady named Rose who went back to college, bravely sang "The Rose" at graduation, and died one week later.

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Frances said:

Ugh. The stories in the Chicken Soup books all sound like they were written by the same people who call into Delilah. I can just see them writing the manuscripts with big fat pink markers on Lisa Frank stationary.

Hey, I kinda like Lisa Frank-I was a fan in childhood. And I used to listen to Delilah back when I used to have the radio on when I'd fall asleep. (Not so much for her, but for the kinds of songs she'd play-easy listening to help me sleep.)

I remember I read one written by *gag* Jennifer Love Hewitt where she was finger-painting with some terminally ill children for her charity volunteer PR thingy. The little boy gave her a hug and said, "My heart is changing colors!" Yuck.

Then there were a couple that I found on an MST3K fan fic site. They took a couple of the stories and gave them the riffing. One was this man who never got over the fact that someone wrote in his junior high yearbook, 'Hey Ugly!' He's married, and his wife is always telling him how much she loves him, how handsome he is, etc. Then he tells her he's not because of what someone wrote in the yearbook, and then she makes him feel better.

Or this guy who bought his wife a card every Wednesday, and that's how he kept his marriage going. Blah.

It's always these really pathetic, stupid people who are all upset over the stupidest shit.

There used to be a site called "Pea Soup for the Cynic's Soul" at the rinkworks website. It was hysterical.

[Ripley]

You know what's worse than a Chicken Soup for the Soul book? A Chicken Soup for the Soul board game. I kid you not. My sister-in-law (who also loves Precious Moments and other assorted knick-knacks) was shopping with me once and found this game. She brought it over to me, holding it like it was the Holy Grail, and said, "Wouldn't you and TTMR (The Talented Mr. Ripley) just love to play this?" I answered, "Actually, we'd probably make fun of it." I think I pissed her off, but she deserved it for actually wanting a piece of that crappy empire.

[aims]

Hey Guinastagia you mean this one?

Peasoup

[Deleted]

I made up a couple “Chicken Soup” stories for the amusement of a friend of mine at work. The trick is making it sappy enough to make you retch/laugh but believable enough that these “Soup” addicts would probably believe them.

The only one I can remember was one where little Johnny has an illness from which he’ll never recover. There is a nasty old man living next door (the type who chases kids off his lawn and is just terminally unpleasant). The saint-like mother tells little Johnny to never mind – Possibly Mr. Mean has problems they simply don’t understand. Anyhow, Mr. Mean is out grumbling in his yard one afternoon and hears the mother and father discussing how tragic it is that little Johnny apparently will not make it to Christmas – He’ll never see Christmas again. Then! One night during dinner they look out the window with shock to see that it’s snowing – and yet it’s the middle of August! They rush outdoors to investigate and there is Mr. Mean standing on their tool shed with a bagful of white confetti and a hair blower “making it snow” for little Johnny one last time! Mr. Mean also has a fir tree with Christmas decorations ready to adorn it with and so they have Christmas in August. For little Johnny, sob!

So, in a sense, terminally ill little Johnny “saved” Mr. Mean. My friend was begging me to send it to whoever it is you send this crap to.

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kostgard said:

My sister once gave me a "chicken soup" book and I almost disowned her for it.

Man, HATE these books. The only story that I can remember from the one my sister gave me was "written" by this guy whose wife would always scoop something out of this canister she kept in the kitchen every time she baked something. He would ask her what was in it, what could she possibly be using in every single recipe, and she refused to tell him and told him to never look in the canister. After she died, he looked in the canister and saw that there was only a scrape of paper with the word "love" written on it sitting in the bottom. Of course the poor widower breaks down in tears.

Okay, call me cold-hearted, but I laughed at that story. First of all, I don't buy for a second that he never looked in that canister when his wife wasn't home. Second of all, his wife actually went through the motions - miming scooping something out of the canister - every single time she cooked or baked? Sir, I am sorry for your loss, but your wife was crazy.

Hilarious. I had to cover my mouth and bite my cheek to keep from laughing at work.

These books are the worst level of crapiosity. I even remember the horrid TV show where they acted out the damn stories.