The Etiquette Thread

[Auroranorth]

To reiterate what the others said, this is way out of line. Even if it was a faith-based agency, I'd find it tasteless at best.

I'd register a complaint about proselytizing in your shoes (having been the only Jew in school up through grad school, I got some anti-Semetic harassment back in the day.) I'd also call my boss on that remark.

[dnt]

You bring a present valued at $15.00 or less wrapped and put it under the tree.
Everybody draws a number and #1 picks a present and opens it. #2 has the option of taking a present from under the tree or stealing #1's present. If #1's present is stolen then that person has to open a new present. #3 has the option of stealing #1 or #2's or opening a new present. The further along your number is the better your chance is of picking yourself a great present.

A friend of mine at work went to one of these (for ornaments) recently and she was really disgusted with one woman who pitched a fit about getting this ornament that had a snowman or Santa or something very commonplace on it for her son because he just loooooves them. I was surprised my friend didn't steal the ornament and "accidentally" break it. Seriously, these were ornaments with a $15 limit, not priceless, one-of-a-kind gems. If you just had to have one, all you had to do was ask the person who brought it where to get one.

[Sunnyhorse]

In St. Louis (and elsewhere, I'm sure), we call that kind of gift exchange "Rob Your Neighbor" -- my husband and I participate in them at his office holiday party and with my in-laws. For the office party, everyone brings a $10 "nice" gift and some kind of gag gift (Mr. Sunnyhorse contributed a complete collection of AOL startup discs one year). For the family get-together, everyone agrees ahead of time on the themes for the various rounds (e.g., something fuzzy, something yellow, something loud, something to eat) and spends a buck per gift. It's a lot of fun.

ETA: LadyMadonna, being an atheist and a flaming liberal, I feel for you -- Mr. Sunnyhorse and I vowed after the last election that we were going to stop letting this stuff slide, and we've both confronted friends and family members who've sent obnoxious religious and political stuff to remind them that not everyone holds the same beliefs. Your boss definitely should've been more supportive, if only to shield the company from a lawsuit!

[Mulva1]

I have a similiar story to Sunnyhorse. After 9/11, when some people thought they had license to say borderline (that's putting it kindly) racist remarks about middle easterners, my stepmother (who forwards everything that comes across her email account) was sending out those over the top, Proud-to-be-an-American emails nonstop. I got increasingly annoyed, even after I started deleting them on sight. I mean, how can one think that everyone they know is going to be down with a certain idea? What, just because they know you, they must all be the same? I think that offended my sensibilities even more than the damn emails.

Anyway, finally, one day, I replied to one of them, saying "Please don't send me these emails anymore. They are offensive to me. Thanks." And that was that. I know she was annoyed (I think she told on me to my dad and sisters) but oh well. I prefer not to be subjected to offensive materials when I can possibly help it and I said so. I didn't wait until I was so frustrated that I went off about it - I just simply stated my opinion and, fortunately, she complied with my wish.

[anne]

I have forwarded e-mails before to friends who I knew did not agree with the viewpoint I was forwarding. I forward e-mails RARELY, and when I do, I usually don't forward them to people who would disagree. But once in a blue moon, I come across something that is worded in such an impressive way that I'll forward it as food for thought. As I see it, I don't get offended by the mere presence of a viewpoint which is in conflict with my own. Well-stated opposing viewoints make me think ... sometimes they change my mind, sometimes they solidify my thinking the opposite of what they are arguuing.

So I'd say that there is not always an assumption that the recipient of every forward will agree with it. I don't assume that, and I don't expect my friends/family to always agree with me. If they respect me, I"m happy with that.

[batmom]

ladymadonna that kind of behaviour is absolutely baffling. I have no idea what the religious beliefs of my coworkers are because it doesn't come up. I can't imagine why it would. It's so inappropriate. I have no objection to hearing about someone's weekend (we went to church) or some activity they're involved in, that's just fine, but to proseltyze? To suggest that your coworker or staff member is going to hell? That's just so far over the line, the light from the line will take 1000 years to reach this offense.

My usual response to any kind of religious overtures is "No, thank you." I treat them like telephone solicitations - unwanted and intrusive.

[Deleted]

I had to ask a co-worker to quit sending me email stuff that was racist. It's like someone said, right after 9/11 when people suddenly thought it was okay to be hateful. This woman was one of those people who revelled in the nasty France jokes (yes, she said "Freedom Fries"). The one that finally made me snap was a cartoon of a guy walking across a map of Europe. When he got to France he unzipped and peed on the country. This is when I emailed her back and said "Isn't there enough hatred going around right now without fanning the flames?" She didn't respond, but I noticed I stopped getting this junk.

It always throws me for a loop when someone says something racist. I'm never sure if I should confront them, or just begin avoiding them. I suppose if someone was in my home and talked like that I'd feel I definitely had the right to tell them to stop it. Part of my dilemma is that I understand that if someone's ignorant enough to make racist remarks then they are probably also too ignorant to listen to reason. I'm not sure they're worth arguing with.

[Yossarian]

It always throws me for a loop when someone says something racist. I'm never sure if I should confront them, or just begin avoiding them. I suppose if someone was in my home and talked like that I'd feel I definitely had the right to tell them to stop it. Part of my dilemma is that I understand that if someone's ignorant enough to make racist remarks then they are probably also too ignorant to listen to reason. I'm not sure they're worth arguing with.

As a blue-eyed blonde, people are always saying racist things and then looking to me for approval. It's like they assume that I am some kind of Neo Nazi - it drives me nuts! Taxi drivers are especially bad with this - but also some people I work with. I do call people on it though - when I was younger I used to let it slide but now that I am steadily becoming a grumpy old woman I refuse to allow them to labour under the assumption that I join them in their racism. However, once you disabuse them of the notion that you are a racist, they then bookmark you as a politically-correct, communist lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[dwanollah]

I can't believe I missed this:

Anyways we are all visiting and she starts telling us all about her Barbie collection. HER BARBIE'S. One of the women says don't you mean your daughter's Barbie's. She says "Oh no mine" She would not stop talking about her Barbie's. Everyone kept trying to change the subject and she would just not stop. I am like OK lets do the gift exchange she would not stop. She continues on all about her Barbie Camper with the Shower, her Barbie camping supplies, all their fur coats she has EVERYTHING.I kept trying to change the subject and so did everyone else and she just kept talking LOUDER! And then she tells us how her hubby and her play Barbie's together after the kids go to bed!!! It was like dead silence everyone is staring at her and me and she just would not shut the hell up. Finally this really loud obnoxious women goes "YOU ARE SO WEIRD" Tiffany goes "OH and I haven't even told you about my Cher Barbie yet."

So, now's not the time for me to bring up my Barbie Playroom...?

I had to ask a co-worker to quit sending me email stuff that was racist. It's like someone said, right after 9/11 when people suddenly thought it was okay to be hateful. This woman was one of those people who revelled in the nasty France jokes (yes, she said "Freedom Fries"). The one that finally made me snap was a cartoon of a guy walking across a map of Europe. When he got to France he unzipped and peed on the country. This is when I emailed her back and said "Isn't there enough hatred going around right now without fanning the flames?" She didn't respond, but I noticed I stopped getting this junk.

I started getting crap like this from a cousin. And all I could think was "Damn, and I thought you were reasonably intelligent."

[mrpancake]

Ug, racist comments also baffle me. I've learned to take more of a stand when someone says something really far off the mark. I have a good friend who will sometimes spout of something pretty racist, but more as a joke, and I always call him out on it. He's a nice guy, but he does cross the line at times and I have no qualms in letting him know.

I don't get any forwarded emails (very rarely, at least) and thank God for that. I usually just delete them, but some of them are so far off the mark. My uncle is a born again Christian and we used to get a lot of religious/Go America!/Combonation of the two emails from him. His younger brother confronted him about it and it caused a rift in their relationship. I mean, it was that in combination with other things, most the born again being a total hypocrite.

LadyMadonna's situation to me is totally non-negotiably offensive. To me, telling someone to go to Hell is such a horrible insult, even if you don't believe in Hell. For so many people, Hell is the most wretched place that could ever exist and is reserved for some of the most hateful people. So to tell someone they'll end up there if they don't read a letter? Wow.

How's this for good ettiquette. Some years ago, my aunt was getting married. She was in her mid-30s at the time and had never been married. Shortly before they got married, they began to live together. The aforementioned born-again uncle let her know how much he disapproved of her actions and how it was so wrong. Not only was she an adult woman with intentions of getting married, he seemed to forget that he lived with his now-wife before they got married. Also before he became born-again.