Jokes and Humor

[ladymadonna]

LOL, my mom just sent me that one, only in hers the punchline was: "I will if those useless sons of bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any fucking drywall that's worth a shit."

[Deleted]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[grumpygirl]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[tinyshoes]

I just remembered a Louis CK bit from back in the 90s:
"I have diarrhea. No, I'm not sick. I have a gallon of it in my fridge at home."

[Deleted]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went
out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES.

[marywebgirl]

I just want everyone to know that I always laugh at the silly jokes, even if I don't post a "Bwah!" or something. Keep posting!

[ramonaq]

Pirate walks into a bar. He has a paper towel on his head.

Orders a rum. Then another, then another.

Finally someone gets up the nerve and asks "Why are you drinking with a paper towel on your head?"

"Arrgh, it's not easy LIVING WITH A BOUNTY ON YER HEAD!"

[PearlySweetcake]

WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Lusk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

[ramonaq]

John Boy's Mole posted a link to cute overload in the pets thread. It contained this joke:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?


Make me one with everything.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

[ivy]

When Thomas Jefferson dies, Saint Peter meets him at the gate and says, "Wait. Before you can enter Heaven, you have to prove who you are." So Jefferson writes out the entire Declaration of Independence. Saint Peter lets him in.

When Vincent Van Gogh dies, Saint Peter meets him at the gate and says, "You have to prove who you are before I can let you in." So Van Gogh paints a beautiful picture, and Saint Peter lets him in.

When Jane Austen dies, Saint Peter says, "You have to prove who you are before I can let you in." She writes an amazing story, and Saint Peter lets her in.

George W. Bush dies. Saint Peter says, "You have to prove who you are before I let you in."
"That's not fair," Bush complains. "Why do I have to prove who I am?"
"Well, everyone does," Saint Peter explains. "I've even made Thomas Jefferson, Vincent Van Gogh, and Jane Austen prove it."
Bush looks confused and says, "Huh? Who are they?"
Saint Peter lets him in.