Advice Columns

[angelaudie]

This woman has found herself in quite the situation:

Dear Carolyn:

After 22 years of (what I thought was) a storybook marriage, my husband confessed to me that he had been secretly pursuing his latent sexual attraction to men. I was devastated, but determined to make sure our divorce was amicable and respectful. We have since both been kind and generous to each other and have made our split comfortable for our two children.

Though he has a steady, public "friend," he has chosen to be elusive and not publicly come out, and this has left our friends asking me well-intended questions in their efforts to support me. I feel like my past marriage was a lie for so long, and I never want to have to lie to others again. I need the support of my friends. His own family was very hurt and confused and ready to blame me, and I had to tell them in order to save my relationship with this family I loved and was losing.

I know I'm not supposed to care about what other people think, but it's also important to me that I not lie to friends and family members. How obligated am I to keep his secret?

Conflicted

Carolyn feels she has reached the point where she is no longer obligated to keep her ex's secret. Though she does urge not to blab out of revenge and to keep it to her innermost circle. I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm not a believer in outing people against their will. It's one of the many reasons why I hate Perez so much. But, on the other hand, it sounds like her ex is simply letting people blame her for the divorce and is not even bothering to pipe in with something like, "Guys, it takes two to end a marriage. I wanted the marriage to end as well. It's not all her fault and I will not tolerate you lashing out at her." Instead she had to out him to his family because he wouldn't say something when they were about to cut her off. I don't know. I guess I feel if he won't come out the least he can do is come up with some sort of story to take the heat off of her. Of course, I understand her need to tell somebody because man learning your husband and the father of your children is gay has got to do a number on you.

[Deleted]

In general, I'm also against outing people, with one exception. That exception is when you make another person a two decade long, unwitting accomplice to your own closeting instead of letting them find true love and intimacy. At that point, you have no right to their silence for the rest of their lives. The ex-husband in this scenario now gets to live his reality with his public "friend"; he should realize his ex-wife should also be allowed to live her reality, as a woman who was married to a gay man. If anyone asks her, she has the right to tell the truth.

[Deleted]

There's also the fact that he cheated on her. Which is something that, regardless of the gender of who you're cheating with, is reason enough to end a marriage. The guy sounds like a grade-A jerk and I think she's well within her rights to out him given how shabbily he's treated her.

[chonies]

I agree--he's totally taking advantage of her personal integrity. She has every right to answer all well-intended questions honestly.

[Auroranorth]

I only wish you had gone with the courtesy call before you told his parents, to give him a chance to level with them himself. In what appears to have been a disciplined response to this unwelcome challenge, that may be the one time you flinched. Your husband deceived you awfully, yes, but it still wasn't fair to risk his relationship with his family just to save your own.

He's had years to tell them- she doesn't owe him a courtesy call when he has chearly failed to demonstrate any courtesy to her. Since he's not even chipped in with, "Stop blaming her, the divorce was a mutual decision," she has the right to tell her truth.

[Xerox]

Amy Alkon: The Truth About Beauty

[Deleted]

Nov 5, 2010 3:21:52 GMT -4 Xerox said:

Amy Alkon: The Truth About Beauty

Oh my.

That entire article is so offensive, I don't even know where to begin.

[Deleted]

I...have no words. I just hate her. So much.

[Auroranorth]

What in the what is she talking about.

I'm all for making the best of yourself, but she makes it sound like you're letting the side down if you don't wear heels 24-7. Oh, but don't get too involved in looking good and if you're old you might as well shoot yourself. Also, only French women are sexy.

[angelaudie]

There are just so many things wrong with that article!

Yet, while feminist journalists deforest North America publishing articles urging women to bow out of the beauty arms race and "Learn to love that woman in the mirror!", nobody gets into the ridiculous position of advising men to "Learn to love that unemployed guy sprawled on the couch!"

Is she really comparing learning to accept your body and face for what it is to a guy just flat out refusing to work? Because the guys I know that want a job don't sprawl out on the couch. They are frantically searching the net, papers, and making calls to find a job, any job! They don't have time to watch tv! Also, she's honestly saying unattractive unemployed guys can't get a woman? She really needs to get out more!

We consider it admirable when people strive to better themselves intellectually; we don't say, "Hey, you weren't born a genius, so why ever bother reading a book?" Why should we treat physical appearance any differently? For example, research shows that men prefer women with full lips, smaller chins, and large eyes—indicators of higher levels of estrogen. Some lucky women have big eyes; others just seem to, thanks to the clever application of eyeshadow. As the classic commercial says, "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline." (If it increases her options, who cares which it is?)

Why should we treat physical appearance differently? Because, as Judge Judy says, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever." I have nothing against women wearing makeup and trying to look nice. I wear makeup and do my best to look nice. But I do that because I want to do that. I don't do it to please a man. To paraphrase Samantha Jones, "I love you (men) but I love me more!"

French women, too, buy into the idea that there's some fountain of youth at the Clarins counter. But, perhaps because feminism never seeped into mainstream culture in France like it did here, they generally have a healthier and more realistic relationship with beauty, accepting it as the conduit to love, sex, relationships, and increased opportunities. They take pleasure in cultivating their appearance, and in accentuating their physical differences from men. They don't give up on looking after their looks as they age, nor do they tart themselves up like sexy schoolgirls at 50. They simply take pride in their appearance and try to look like sensual, older women.

All I can say it's obvious this woman has never visited France nor does she know any French women.

Too many women try to get away with a bait-and-switch approach to appearance upkeep. If you spend three hours a day in the gym while you're dating a guy, don't think that you can walk down the aisle and say "I do...and, guess what...now I don't anymore!" A woman needs to come up with a workable routine for maintaining her looks throughout her lifetime and avoid rationalizing slacking off— while she's seeking a man and after she has one. Yeah, you might have to put five or ten extra minutes into prettying up just to hang around the house. And, sure, you might be more "comfortable" in big sloppy sweats, but how "comfortable" will you be if he leaves you for a woman who cares enough to look hot for him?

Lady, if my husband left me because I had the nerve to gain a few pounds and am looking made up 24/7 I'm not going to be pissed that he left. I'm going to be pissed that I didn't see what a douchebag he was and wasted some good years on him. I'll be quite comfortable with him leaving. It means I'm now free to find someone who actually loves me.

What blows my mind is she also mocks women who go overboard with plastic surgery and makeup in an attempt to look younger. Does she contributes to this scenario with her, "Oh women! Looks matter! If a guy leaves you because don't maintain your looks it's all your fault! Men can't help themselves!" Oh why am I asking that? Of course, she doesn't. This woman clearly sneers at intelligence and probably counts one continuing to get by with her looks. I wonder what she will do when the day comes when looking pretty simply won't be enough.

I also highly recommend Alkon picks up a book and read up on the well-known mistresses of kings. She'll quickly see a pattern. The mistresses that stuck around for a long time were not considered attractive. They were witty, intelligent, charismatic, and strong-willed. The ones that were simply pretty didn't stick around very long. So, sorry lady, even men require more than looks in order to be attracted to a woman.