Vanity Fair (the Magazine)

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OOOOO!!!! The September issue of Vanity Fair is the bestest of the bestest----OOOO!!! It's like I died and went to Pretty Heaven and I am the Prettiest One there!

OOOO!!! Moldy Tofu!!! Shout Out to the Pretty World!!! page 334! Look, Look Moldy Tofu!!! Who IS IT? It Is Our Patroness Saintess of Patronizing!!!!

It is PRINCESS MARIE-CHANTAL and she has an occupation! Sure, SHE says it is Children's Clothing Designer But HEY!!! Britney Spears is a Children's Clothing Designer and she only made White Trailer Trash Cootie Shorts Honorable Thought I'd Mention It Bestest Dresst With Baby Slung on Fat Hip Honorable Mention LIst!

PRINCESS MARIE-CHANTAL is bestest dresst Snark Saint in THE WORLD! DAMMIT! Give me a cigarette and let me rest a bit. All these OOOOOOs!!!! are wearing me out!!! get it?---pun alert

OOOOkay! Kate Moss on the cover and who are we to thank for her lovely unCoveredness? Well Luigi Murenu did her hair. What Hair? She is wearing a Dead BABY Seal Fur Hat (Topher Alert!). Ooooo wait, maybe Luigi Murenu specializes in Beaver hair---look at her other end. OOOOOk. And under those opera length gloves, Lorraine Griffin did her manicure. OOOk now Vanity Fair is just making stuff up.

And Miss Kate Moss Redux is modeling for Versace! With that Turlington Chick who looks like Cher when she still had Bonos. Miss Moss, You have a Wonky eye! Well Donatello has a Wonky face. Carry on!

Tracy James and Sloane Tanen are some kind of Hollywood Brat Royalty and:

When Top Gun came out, Tom Cruise was in the living room, so Sloane and I paraded back and forth,....In different outfits

Honey the movie came out, not Mr. Cruise. And he just doesn't care about your kind.

And Dominick Dunne!!!! "How well you are hung!" With stories that have beginnings and middles and ends and impart information. OOOOOO!!!!!

Mr. Dunne's heart started beating really fast and it woke the poor man up and made him actually tell a story about Aaron Spelling! Mr. Dunne and Mr. Spelling used to work in Hollywood together in LIVE television (which sounds like something like CNN).

Aaron had had throat cancer in 2001 and he was suffering from early Alzheimer's. He had become a deeply unhappy man, living sick and isolated in the biggest house in town, cut off from nearly everbody, estranged even from his daughter and fearful that he was being betrayed.

I heard that Mr. Spelling was having fun with the nursing staff although she wasn't having much fun with him. She went to court for sexual harassment and Mr. Spelling went to court because the nurse was sending letters to all the actresses in town asking them if they had ever been harassed by Mr. Spelling. Man!!!! Viagra is the Salvation of Old Men!!!! You ever notice that it is always the Men that are getting saved by Pharmacology? (Well actually, Miss Moss hasn't done too badly by it either. She's all over this magazine. I wonder if Mr. Spelling harassed her ass.)

When Mr. Spelling experienced his last death (the BIG one, not the little ones):

"There wasn't anybody sitting there with him," one of his friends informed me. "Just a maid with a vaccum cleaner, cleaning the room."

Yeah, the publicist says that the maid "with a power suction vaccum cleaner" Cleaned "the room". OOOOOO!!!!!! Well that's why Mr. Spelling didn't need Tori to ease him on his death bed.

He was a strange-looking man.

who had a strange looking daughter and they lived in

very few people have ever been in the house. I have. Once.....the house is ridiculous....the Spellings never entertained....There are allededly 123 rooms, includling a bowling alley. The screening room seats 53. There is a room for Candy's doll collection and another just for wrapping presents.

When the Spellings entertained:

they put up a tent on the back lawn to hold the party with portable toilets outside. Nobody got into the house itself.

The Infernal Shades of Miss Star Jones Reynolds!!!! In the Hamptons!!

Candy (Mrs. Spelling) was a controversial character. People described her as a hand model.

Well shades of George Costanza! I guess those hands were what first caught Mr. Spelling's attention and served him well over the years.

Remember that harassed Nurse?

Good taste and legal constraints keep me from quoting some of the things the nurse claimed Aaron had said to her about Candy... I'll just say that it's not possible to have anything more humiliating appear on the Internet.

DAMN you Dunne! Just when I give into you; you are back to your TEASING WAYS! And I have checked out The Smoking Gun; so just where is all this on the Internet? Damnation! Tarnation! Suck MY Thumb!!!!

I think of it as an unhappy house, a comlicated marriage and an unhappy family.

SCREW the Squalling Spellings! Give ME CANDY!!!!!

And to finish, about Miss Kate Moss again:

Seemingly too fragile, too real too natural to survive the cutthroat fashion industry

The girl cuts her cocaine with a razor blade. She cut YOU, Bitch!

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The Casey Johnson article was almost as awesome (read: damning) as the Kimora Lee Simmons profile last year. I love how VF gives these insufferable people just enough rope to hang themselves. No offense to short people, but doesn't she remind you of that bitchy "female Napoleon complex" girl you knew in high school who thought she was just the hottest thing ever?

I like Sofia Coppola's movies, but they couldn't have given her more of an ass-lathering.

And what's with that clown-looking woman on the best-dressed list? Isn't eccentricity just to be eccentric so incredibly 80s?

[Benni]

Chatchien I have been missing your Vanity Fair Posts. Did your subscription run out?

Is it just me or is George Clooney and Sophie Coppolia in almost every single Vanity Fair. I love Dominick Dunne. I loved the pictures of the country western music stars. Mark Salinger is my favourite photographer.

[sjankis630]

I actually enjoyed the excerpt of the man who murdered his wife and then fled England with his lover disguised as a boy. The whole cat and mouse ordeal made for some interesting reading. Unfortunately the whole piece seemed to be enough for me on this issue and I couldn't imagine bothering to read through the rest of the book. What else could there be for the author to add? Maybe the trial?

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benni said:

Chatchien I have been missing your Vanity Fair Posts. Did your subscription run out?

Is it just me or is George Clooney and Sophie Coppolia in almost every single Vanity Fair.

Well, thanks for asking. I got stuck in the thickets of Suri Cruise's hair in the October issue and only found my way out by following Mr. Cruise's high pitched yelps which led me to a couch where I was almost trammeled by that Fool Tom. I recovered by tearing up the next month's issue into fans that I used to shoo away the bats circling me. Yes, that was quite an recovery from trauma.

It was aggravated by six pictures of Bush molesting the German chancellor, Miss Merkel, everyway that a man can violate a woman. Those are not sexual paths that I wish to wander. I think that an impeachment of Bush is in order and this time we can liven up the proceedings with porn pictures!

Mr. Dunne was rather sedate. He wrote about Miss Brooke Astor and proved that living well is your best revenge and living long is your enemy's best revenge against you. At 104, Miss Astor has returned to the joys of her childhood but without the nanny or the diapers or anyone who cares about her and no Child Protective Services.

A Miss McCaw took over Santa Barbara and made it safe for the housing depredations of Rob Lowe*:

The house in Montecito was not the first Lowe property to cause controversy. There was the beach place in nearby Summerland....After Lowe and his wife brought their house, they decided to build a second-floor deck with an arbor below it. This addition would chop off part of the view from the patio of their easterly widow...

Didn't Jennifer Anniston make a movie about this? With Friends Like These or something? Now, I know why---Mr. Pitt used to be in reconstruction, wasn't he? As was Miss Anniston. It was their thing in common before you know who showed up.**

Then there is a plug for the new Truman Capote movie, Infamous. Who knew that you could get two movies out of Mr. Capote's life. But then there were all those Christmas specials that they did on his life way back---I think that he played Santa's gremlin. That was before Tim Home Improvement bought the rights to Santa and Christmas. Anyway the movie looks like it might be like Mr. Dunne's column on a good month.

And then there is the explanation of why George Clooney is in every issue of Vanity Fair. He is number 23 in the Vanity Fair 100! Before #60 Karl Lagerfeld and #84 Brian Grazer and Ron Howard, whose:

...box office clout was demonstrated by The Da Vinci Code, which triumphed over the grousing of some critics by grossing $750 million worldwide.

Hey everything that I said about that garbage movie and its aroma was true and you know it, Graydon Carter, and stop rubbing its garbage grosses in my face. You just never know when to let go, right Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Clooney? Mr. Carter is obsessive.

Lastly, we have proof positive that Miss Katherine Hepburn was a **** hag (Spencer Tracy) and batted for her own team and was a success in Hollywood. Imagine that. Well, there are quite a few people in show biz and Republican politics who will be reassured by that.

*Rob Lowe? or who??
**Miss Jolie, as she is seen nightly in Miss Anniston's dream. She is usually being waterboarded but sometimes she appears as just mush.

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Double Post, Dwanollah!!! Hunt me down, if you dare!

All I've got to say about the recent Vanity Fair is: "Exactly who had that baby?"

What happened to Mr. Pitt's tummy? All these Celebs and their babies! I am beginning to think that they are all enrolled in some Human Cloning and Recombinant DNA Experimental Top Secret, Don't Let the Evangelicals Find Out and STop Us Program that is producing all these Strange Babies---Suri Crusie, Shiloh Jolie-Pitts, any Federline pup, and Michael Jackson's next Love Child.

The NEXT Hollywood Generation of Sequels: BE AFRAID! Be Very Afraid!

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The Intelligence Report on the Young Hollywood boyfriends or whatever they're called was nowhere near biting enough.

[Benni]

I found this to be kind of a boring issue. I did enjoy the feature on François-Marie Banier. He said he took pictures of Johnny Depp's wife nude. I wonder if he took any pictures of Johnny nude.

I heard that Brad Pitt was not pleased that picture was used of him on the cover of Vanity Fair.

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I guess they've finally decided to put some black people on the cover.

Beyonce, Eddie Murphy and Jamie Foxx are on the next cover.

[tiggertoo]

Have they never had black people on the cover before? Oprah? Wow.

Just read the interview with Sumner Redstone in the Brad Pitt edition. The love story of his wife and him is very touching - although I'm a little squicked about the age difference. Still she doesn't sound like a gold digger and she really loves him. Also, if she was the one who influenced him to fire Tom Cruise, more power to her!