Vanity Fair (the Magazine)

[Hamatron]

What the hell. Why do they need a Vanity Fair cover to promote their wedding? Lame. And I still don't have the Hollywood issue. Screw you, Vanity Fair. I want to see the misogyny in person, damnit.

[Foo]

::small voice:: I really like the issue. AND all the pictures.

[Deleted]

I finally received my Vanity Fair: Ascending and Descending Hollywood Nudes issue. The cover and twenty pages into the mag were ripped although the environmentally unsafe plastic cover was pristine. Someone went postal although without the submachine gun.

Miss Knightley is rather dingy for a white girl and she has no right nipple. Miss Johansson is very white for a white girl and she has no butt crack.

I think that there should be a White Out contest. I would enter Miss Johansson, Miss Kidmann (although Miss Kidmann would be subject to hourly drug tests because I think that Botox is not only a toxin but a bleaching product), and Courtney Love in that reality show. They would all live together in a modern, minimalist, white, black, and chrome house in the Hollywood Hills. It could be filmed in black and white and the audience would call in with stuff like, "I spotted (Ha, Ha) Miss Love on the white marble kitchen counters snorting something." "Wait! I saw Miss Johannson flitting by special guest star, Carmen SanDiego, in the hall!" And the 23,451 caller would win an X Box and a ski trip to some place in Utah, and a case of Bleach.

And Mr. Ford, who looks like Jeremy Piven, could be the skeevy agent who pervs around the place trying to pick up a surfer dude pool boy, who doesn't qualify for the contest because of all of his sun damaged skin and his black wet suit. But, you know, he would be put to good use as a spotter if they can keep Mr. Ford off him. Call me, Burnett.

My favorite Diary read, after the resident twelve year old's diary, of course, is Mr. Dunne. And this session with Mr. Dunne is rather good. He has lots of meetings with everybody---parties, pools, late night phone calls, and indigestible French dejeuners---and he has some stories to tell. It is not just meetings! Like he usually does! There are stories! People tell tales and do stuff (and they don't all just suck except for Andre, who is so dreamy and cute, as the twelve year old resident's diary informs me).

I think all these tales are because all the rattees are old people. One of them is actually already dead---something to do with 350 pounds and eighty years of bad living. The ratters always go for the old, the young (who suck and are dreamy) and the lame. I will forbear.

No, I won't. "I have been to their houses and dined at their tables,..." Yeah, we know, Mr. Dunne. Dish!

Oscar Wyatt takes the fall for the UN oil-for-food program (Halliburton is running that now). "I've had breakfast, lunch, and dinner with {Mrs. Wyatt}" I know, I know Mr. Dunne. If you persist in dicussing your meals, I'll expect to see the scratch and sniff menu.

After the indictment of Mr. Wyatt, Mrs Wyatt, who is from Texas (quelle surprise!), and has gone into seclusion except for seeing her hairdresser. That is one of the priviledges of being a Fag Hag; your roots are always tended. But no! The next day, Mrs. Wyatt drags her toned and buffed roots to LA to be Mr. Jagger's personal guest at a Stones concert and from there she attends Mr. Elton John's second foray into marriage where she connivializes with Sarah Ferguson.

So we all think, Mrs. Wyatt has recovered from her shame and is now using her ill-gotten gains obtained from starving little children in Iraq, to live and let the wind of Iraqi freedom (but without Iraq in it) to flow through her burnished hair roots! Nope, there is a stumble! Mrs. Wyatt cannot attend a charity for a Medical Library in Texas because, "I just cannot come." I don't know what her sex life has to do with it. Just shut up, Mrs. Wyatt and think of Texas. Charity begins in your bed with a vibrator, honey.

Next, we have the Blacks of Toronto Canada. Yeah Canada! Only not for the Blacks because they are very much like the Bushes. We all have our national familal failings, although I hear that Mr. Black has become Lord of the ButtCracks or something in London. So, you too, Brits. Mr. Black's story sort of follows that old TV show Arrested Development where like the Bluths, the Blacks use the company coffer for extravagent living. And the Black have houses or had houses everywhere! And I bet all those houses had bad plumbing and ugly turrets too.

Anyway, Mr. Black (or Lord ButtCrack---he's not the Royal Family, so he's Mr. Black to me) has been cruising the internet and has come up with a scheme to finance his law expenses stolen from (some people are always stealing) the website to give more money to Scooter Libby because Mr. Libby didn't make enough money outing a CIA agent. Dammit, treason should pay!

So, like Mr. Libby, Mr. Black has asked "...to round up all their old friends to chip in and to help pay Blacks' legal bills...". Put in a call to the Bushes first, they did very well with the bin Ladens and Mr. Libby.

And last, there is the dead guy who called Mr. Dunne, Fat, in Hollywood. Well, you are the Dead One, Fat Guy! Just like Brittany Mae, you are the Fat Girl and you suck! Oh that twelve year old!

[jazz]

I have a subscription for VF and for the life of me I don't know why. Most of my issues I never read and go straight to the trash can after several days. I think it is one of those things which you keep telling yourself I'lll cancel it for sure this week and just end up forgetting about it.

The latest issue(the nudie one)is now lying on top of my dining room table and has not been opened since I threw it there weeks ago. I have no interest whatever in this issue and now I think I will cancel my subscription and get the one for Home and Gardening instead..

[Benni]

My Vanity Fair was sitting on my coffee table. I told my teenage boys not to look at it. They said Too late Did you know there is some old lady laying in a lawn chair showing off her tits.

I had to laugh because when I first saw that picture of Sienna I thought it was Brigitta Nielson.

There is a good article in this week's McLeans about Vanity Fair and all it's Startlets on the Covers.

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[heyalice]

told my teenage boys not to look at it.

That was your first mistake..

[Deleted]

Teri Hatcher reveals herself on the cover of Vanity Fair (but hides in a big ole sweater and reveals in a white thong); then she reveals all in Vanity Fair. Wow! That there is SubText!

I'm very happy that Miss Hatcher put a molesting pedophile in jail; and I want HER to be my publicist! Gee, you must make more money acting than publicizing, right? Because that is talent, baby! But not in an icky KidLover way.

And our other candidate for Touched by a Pedophile, Miss Natalie Portman discusses her distaste for being a 12-year old SEX SYMBOL. Miss Portman, learn from Miss Hatcher: YOU GOT TO HAVE THE TOUCH[/i]! Then you will make the cover of Vanity Fair. Miss Portman, you may be very bright, every one says that you are, over and over and over again, because we just might not believe it the first time. And when in doubt, let the Lady Protest Too Much. But honey, Miss Hatcher won this round. Sharpen up those brain cells, Miss Portman. A forty year old college dropout just aced you out of the Prime Publicity of a Vanity Cover. Let's attribute that loss to Youth and Stupidity.

Graydon Carter says stupid stuff to Phillip Seymour Hoffman about Capote. Mr. Hoffman does not suffer fools (guess he won't be doing a film with Miss Portman anytime soon) and Mr. Carter says that the DEFINITIVE protrayal of Capote will be Toby Jones' in another upcoming movie. Mr. Hoffman, do not shame Mr. Carter in front of his twelve year-old daughter. (Uh-oh, don't nobody touch nobody! Everybody put his hands in his own pockets.)

And finally on the very back cover of the magazine is the ONCE and PAST Mrs. Tom Cruise and she has gone back to the past. She is younger looking than Mr. Cruise's current Incubator of Love. Of course, Miss Kidmann has no planes or curves in her face and she is missing her brow. It has been brushed away by Botox and Air Brushes and Photo Shop Lose the Illusion of the Third Dimension. But Miss Kidmann does have a huge hole in her throat; I guess that is where they put the air hose for Xenu to breathe through. Oh well, we all love forty year old women who look 12 years old.

Uh-Oh again! Does that make Keith Urban a......Pervert?

[satellite]

The Teri Hatcher story was good, but I hated the way it was written. Though I loved the outfits from her photo spread. When you're publicizing these "shocking revelations" on Et/Extra/The Insider weeks before the mag is out, it seems almost prurient to have all that "Why is Teri crying?" dramatic build-up stuff in the article itself.

I haven't finished the Natalie Portman article yet, but I feel like I've seen it before. The brilliant well-educated actress who would rather read than watch TV and who is so low-key and doesn't care about designer clothes, and is a vegetarian, etc. Jeez, could you blow any more smoke up her ass? And I like Portman, but enough already.

I'm not sure if the George Smith IV cruise ship disappearance needed a whole article, considering that I read almost the same thing in Radar back in December. And the Radar article was on cruise ship disappearances and crime in general and was much better researched. They say that the news channels picked up on that story since the Holloway case cooled, but here is VF doing the same thing (and they did the Aruba story too in Feb, I think). VF really is glorified tabloid, which is why I love it. At least at the end they say that it was possible that he just accidentally fell. I thought that it sucked for all those people to get their names dragged throught the mud if that turns out to be the case, though of course I feel bad for Smith's family.

[Deleted]

I dunno, but I thought Teri Hatcher having very sexy and provocative photos on the cover and in her spread (esp. the "come fuck me" one on the hay bales) seemed really odd to me, considering the subject of her sexual abuse in the article.

She's perfectly in her right to be a sexual being regardless of being abused, but for some reason those images didn't sit right with me. I'm not saying she needed to be wearing a burqa--she could have done something that was still sexy, but also tasteful and be fully clothed.

[satellite]

Yeah, that is kind of creepy now that I think about it. I still liked the clothes though.