Jokes and Humor

[aims]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
You spend most of your
time in a 6X6 cubicle


@ PRISON
You get three meals a day, fully paid for
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal
and you have to pay for it


@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK
For good behavior,
you get more work


@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must carry a security card
and open all the doors yourself


@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games


@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
other people.


@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK
You aren't even supposed
to speak to your family



@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go to work,
and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners




@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars


@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called 'managers'



THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY
WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

[WitchyPoo]

Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[cyclonevkc]

A nurse friend of mine sent this to me:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Martini Girl]

A friend sent this to me, and I just had to share because it's so silly. I hope it puts a smile on your face.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'
7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'
10. Sing Along At The Opera.
11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

[PearlySweetcake]

Two 90-year-old women, Vivian and Edith, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Edith was dying, Vivian visited her every day.

One day Vivian said, "Edith, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Edith looked up at Vivian from her death bed, "Vivian, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Edith passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Vivian was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Vivian, Vivian."

"Who is it?" asked Vivian, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Vivian -- it's me, Edith."

"You're not Edith. Edith died."

"I'm telling you, Vivian, it's me," insisted the voice.

"Edith! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Edith. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Vivian.

"The good news, "Edith said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Vivian. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[aims]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their
seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints

[ennui]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya. He came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.

[WitchyPoo]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Supposedly submitted by real doctors and nurses. They seem just odd enough, and not too crazy, to be true. I like 7 & 8 the best.


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ..' My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted
the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco



2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big
breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, yes....they used to be,'. . ..
replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA



3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked. 'The patch;
the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered . . .' Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was
alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how's your breakfast this
morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit ,



7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ... It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off
the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow
the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said. . .' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She
replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .
..' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[LAX]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in the north country when she saw an elderly
woman walking on the side of the road .

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make A bit of small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said: 'Good trade.....

[WitchyPoo]

Taken from the recent Comedy issue of Rolling Stone.

Robin Williams' favorite joke:

" Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, 'Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.'

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes 'Oh, my God!' And the kid goes, 'Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?' "