Jokes and Humor

[PearlySweetcake]

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[sardonictart]

Ha! Love it. Thanks, Pearly

[PearlySweetcake]

Glad you enjoyed it, sardonictart. A little humor for Halloween week.

[WitchyPoo]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and soon managed to fall asleep... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and hand me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," the woman groggily replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" the man exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin' blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Deleted]

"Did you guys hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reece...Reece..."

"...Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife!"

[Xerox]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize that you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize...you have been listening to your ipod.

[Brookie]

Xerox - Good one!

[gitsie007]

A woman who apparently likes to go commando, decides to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. Much to the chagrin of the tattoo artist, our lady decided to wear a skirt that day.

Unfortunately, she is not happy with the first Elvis, and decides to have another Elvis tattooed on her other inner thigh. Finally! The artist gets his money and the woman leaves.

Still not sure if she's happy with her Elvises, the woman finds an wino sitting on a curb nearby and asks him to give her his honest opinion of what he sees on her thighs. Squinting, the old man looks from thigh to thigh and says" I'm not sure about the two tattoos but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."

[bklynred]

Hardee har. That's a funny one, gitsie.

I also like yours, Witchypoo.

[gitsie007]

at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front
of me,

an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was
obvious
she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesserday, I get two
hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change? The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
'Fluctuations.' The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'