Jokes and Humor

[ovrdedge]

Copied from a nursing forum:

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said. "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom - it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[unimpressed]

Heard this from my Social Psych. Prof.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Mortified the guy skulks back to his table.

After a while, the woman walks over to him and apologizes, saying "Sorry about that. You see, I'm a social psychology graduate student, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[ovrdedge]

How to Waterproof a Cigarette

Joanne and Sandie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Joanne pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Sandie: What in the hell is that?

Joanne: A condom - this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Sandie: Where did you get it?

Joanne: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Sandie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, slightly embarrassed, looks at Sandie kindly (she is, after all, over 80 years of age) and very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[Deleted]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Boo to the Yah.

[bklynred]

Apr 27, 2009 0:48:50 GMT -4 @ovrdedge said:

Copied from a nursing forum:

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament....

This is classic! I always shudder at the end when I hear it though.

[GirlyGhoul]

A guy getting ready for church can't find his hat anywhere. He knows on Monday he'll be expected to wear a hat to work so he comes up with a plan to steal someone else's hat from the cloak room at church. That Sunday the preacher gives a sermon on The Ten Commandments.

After church the rest of the congregation leaves but the man waits behind to talk to the preacher.

He says: Ya know Reverend, I had come here today with the intent of stealing someone else's hat from the cloak room. But your sermon made me change my mind.

Says the Preacher: Ah. I see. When I got to the part about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you realized what a terrible sin it would be to take something that was not yours.

Says the Man: Nope. It was when you got to the part about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat!

[chiqui]

Here's a bad joke. What kind of tree will bitchslap you? A palm tree!

[MissPandora]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Yo, Rene, what's up? Can I get you a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not."...and vanishes.

[ennui]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

[Deleted]

All last night I dreamed I was a car muffler, so when I woke up this morning, I was exhausted!