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Post by PearlySweetcake on Dec 20, 2009 22:32:16 GMT -4
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before.... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."
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Post by WitchyPoo on Dec 21, 2009 13:46:12 GMT -4
An older married woman goes to a tattoo parlor.
Woman (to the tattoo artist): Can you please tattoo a Christmas tree on my right hip?
Tattoo artist: Sure. Whatever you want.
He completes the tattoo. It looks great.
Woman: Now can you tattoo a roast turkey on my left hip?
Tattoo artist: (thinking this is odd) Okay. I can do that.
Completes the turkey tattoo. The woman is satisfied and pays.
Tattoo artist: Before you leave I just want to ask why did you get such unusual tattooes on your hips?
Woman: I'm tired of my husband complaining that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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Post by GirlyGhoul on Dec 24, 2009 18:59:09 GMT -4
Ma ha ha. I figured it was going there Witchy Poo
I once dated a gynocologist, but all he wanted to do was look at it.
Then I dated a psychiatrist, but all he wanted to do was talk about it.
Then I dated a stamp collector... Oh God, I miss him!
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Post by LAX on Dec 27, 2009 13:14:22 GMT -4
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Post by PearlySweetcake on Jan 4, 2010 21:26:53 GMT -4
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Post by gitsie007 on Mar 8, 2010 6:50:33 GMT -4
Things Your Momma Should Have Told You!
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Post by gitsie007 on Apr 12, 2010 4:50:44 GMT -4
The Shit List
1. GHOST SHIT. You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
2. TEFLON-COATED SHIT. Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
3. GOOEY-SHIT. This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
4. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.
5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
6. WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT. You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
7. RIGHT NOW SHIT. You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
8. KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT. This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.
9. CORK SHIT (also Floater) Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.
10. WET CHEEKS SHIT. This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
11. WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.
12. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT. You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
13. SNAKE SHIT. This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
14. BEER AND PIZZA SHIT. This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.
15. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer). You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.
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Post by PearlySweetcake on Apr 28, 2010 0:11:18 GMT -4
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3 kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
Femur is hard as concrete.
The woman's heart beats faster than the man.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to hold our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb.
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Post by LAX on May 9, 2010 13:47:11 GMT -4
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing, " said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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Post by Carolinian on Feb 28, 2011 21:53:05 GMT -4
I saw this joke today:
A unionized public employee, a teabagger, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across and takes 11 cookies, looks at the teabagger and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie."
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