Jokes and Humor

[Gigiree]

In honor of the upcoming holiday...

Q: Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?

A: Because he doesn't want everyone to know he's fucking a chicken.

[eclair]

I saw a tattoo removal place called "What Were You Inking?" today.

[Oxynia]

Sent from my friend in Glasgow...

SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

[ennui]

Aug 26, 2009 14:45:49 GMT -4 @bstewart said:

"Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll be fed for the rest of his life."

Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

The Perfect Husband:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Karrit]

Heard this on the telly today:

Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

A: Warren

[ennui]

Traditionally, it took twelve days for the three wise men / kings to travel east to west, following the star, and find the child.

What would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of the Three Wise Men?

They would have:

Asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole, and
Brought practical gifts

But then - what would they have said when they left…?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby didn't look anything like Joseph."
"Can you believe they'd let all those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard Joseph isn't even working right now."
"And that donkey. Huh, it's seen better days!"
"Want to bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?"

[Deleted]

I must be a bad person because the video of the out-of-control golf cart at the football game brightened my whole Monday.

[chiqui]

Geek joke:

Q: How did Luke Skywalker know what he was getting for Christmas?

A: He felt Darth Vader's presents!

[chiqui]

Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?

A: He drank espresso before it was cool. :-D

[mrspickles]

I just saw a comic drawing with a Cat Accountant telling the Cat Client 'no, you can't deduct your litter box just because you do your business there.'

I'm dying.