The Funniest Line Ever

[Alexis Machine]

From Dodgeball


(Over the PA system)
"All players must be vaccinated for cholera, syphillis, and shingles before play begins. Again, dyslexic players will not be allowed on the court. Only A.D.A.A. balls will bw used. Personal balls of any kind are strictly prohibited."

"Allow me the pleasure of introducing to: Blade..Laser..Blazer..Me'Shell..and our last player, Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky."

"Here at Globo Gym, we understand that 'ugliness' adn 'fatness' are genetic disorders, much like baldness and necrophilia..."

"Time to put your mouth where our balls are."

"Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation."

(Over the PA)
"..made it to tomorrow's round, where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian."

ETA: 'Boy rides his horse like he's riding his sister. He knows he's doing something wrong.'
Sgt. Armstrong (Robert Patrick), Texas Rangers

[perljam]

Yet another from Anchorman:

"The jazz flute is for little fairy boys!"

[speciousreasoning]

Dumb and Dumber
"I was expecting the Rockies to be rockier."
"Yeah. That John Denver's full of shit."

[Deleted]

So many to choose from!

“Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry” (Life of Brian)

“Ted Casablanca is not a fag and I’m the dame that can prove it!” (Valley of the Dolls)

“I’m cold! And I’m wet! And I’m still hysterical!” (The Producers)

“Do your parents know that you’re Ramones?” (Rock and Roll High School)

“Shake a leg Junior! Thank God your mammy died givin' birth. If she'd have seen you, she'd have died o' shame!” (O Brother Where Art Thou)

“Do we have the strength to carry out this task in one night, or are we just jerking off?” (Blazing Saddles)

“I believe all Scottish food is based on a dare” and “That kid's head's like Sputnik. Spherical but quite pointy in parts. Oh, that was a harsh one, wasn't it?” (So I Married an Axe Murderer)

"What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap and couldn't he have rested on that day too?" (self explanatory)

[foxyepicurean]

Also from Monty Python, in the scene where King Arthur is trying to get information from an uncooperative, hostile, activist peasant, Dennis, who questions Arthur's right to rule (referring to the Lady of the Lady's bestowal of Excalibur):

"Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. "

and later:

"Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away. "

[divasahm]

From Animal House:

"Whaddya mean it's over? Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? HELL NO!" ("Germans?" "Forget it--he's rolling.")

"Dammit, Greg, if you're not even going to try..."

"I'm a zit--get it?"

"Greg, honey--is it supposed to be this soft?"

"Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?" "Why, no, not at all. Go right ahead."

"Remain calm! ALL IS WELL!!"

From Raising Arizona:

"Her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."

From Dazed and Confused:

"All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself."

[swanflake]

admin said:

The quotes you guys are coming up with are great - do you think from now on you could also include the movie they came from? Just for the sake of clarity.

Thanks!

Haha I was just about to post that, especially since I want to know where "You had me at 'Cocks fuck assholes.'" came from.

[mrpancake]

"You had me at cocks fuck assholes" is from Team America:World Police, a horribly underrated movie.

[shriekingeel]

"Oedipus! How ya doin', motherfucker?"

--History of the World Part 1

[monkeypox]

I'm loving this thread!

Galaxy Quest:

Guy: "Wait, don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air? You don't know."

Guy: "Red thingy moving toward the green thingy...I think we're the green thingy."

Alexander: "You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is it's motivation?"
Jason: "It's a rock monster! It doesn't have motivation!"
Alexander: "See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft."

Jason: "Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?"

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective

Mrs. Finkle: "Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell."

Lois: "Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?"
Ace: "Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then."

Good Morning, Vietnam

Adrian: "Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P."

Garlick: "From a Marine in Da Nang: 'Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead man's balls.' I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me."

Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: "Sir, these letters are unequivocal. Uh...(reads)'Hey Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck.' Now that's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much gray area in that one."

Sgt. Major Dickerson: "What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?"
Adrian: "End of an inning?"