Purple Prose and Other Bad Writing

[Oxynia]

By request, post examples of horrendous writing here, from online or offline sources. There's plenty of crap writers out there to go around.

[chiqui]

Does Wattpad and fanfic count?

[Babycakes]

Thanks Oxynia!

Ladies and gents, assume crash positions, and have your sick bags open and ready to go!

Bad sex nominations for 2018:


This gem by James Frey(!) is my clear "winner"--

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one. One. White. God. Cum. Cum. Cum. I close my eyes let out my breath. Cum.

I could turn it into a spoken word poem! *snap*snap*snap*snap*

Other contenders:

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enameled pepper mill within her.

enameled. pepper. mill.

My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.

umm...that sounds like rape bro.

She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth, with the vague idea of cleaning it. Geoff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs, and gradually she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth. They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock. Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether - of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are - and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint.

Did I mention all entries are by men this year? Do better gentlemen.

[Oxynia]

Dec 1, 2018 13:35:11 GMT -4 chiqui said:

Does Wattpad and fanfic count?

Sure.

[Smilla]

Dear God, Babycakes, those entries are truly awful.

she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave

"(C)ave." Maybe not as bad as 'hole,' but still pretty vulgar.

[chonies]

Since we went there right away, I personally detest reading external genitalia described as "folds." It's very Zoidberg.

[chiqui]

Here's the first few sentences from a suspense novel I found on Wattpad.

Shackles restrained my wrists as I fought to itch the antagonizing tickle taunting my cheek. Alertness and wariness washed over me in suffocating breaths, alarm bells stirring as I felt the harsh weight of my motionless body, surprisingly tonne like.

My eye lids felt as though they were glued tight, refusing to oblige and allow me vision to my whereabouts. My throat resembled that of a scorching burn, dry and raspy. Deep in the pit of my stomach, despite my lack of knowledge, I knew something was exasperatingly wrong.

So, so, so much wrong here.

[famvir]

One that has stayed with me for
40 years.

“I gazed in the mirror as I combed my lone straight hair.

I knew I wasn’t very pretty.”

I know, that might be a typo, but it was published as such, so I continue to imagine the author wanted us to pictures the sad 15 yo girl combing her single, long blond hair.

[riosamba]

Dec 1, 2018 18:04:25 GMT -4 Babycakes said:

Thanks Oxynia !

Ladies and gents, assume crash positions, and have your sick bags open and ready to go!

Bad sex nominations for 2018:


This gem by James Frey(!) is my clear "winner"--

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one. One. White. God. Cum. Cum. Cum. I close my eyes let out my breath. Cum.

I could turn it into a spoken word poem! *snap*snap*snap*snap*

Other contenders:

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enameled pepper mill within her.

enameled. pepper. mill.

My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.

umm...that sounds like rape bro.

She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth, with the vague idea of cleaning it. Geoff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs, and gradually she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth. They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock. Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether - of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are - and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint.

Did I mention all entries are by men this year? Do better gentlemen.

I may never recover from this. I certainly will never be able to look at a pepper mill in the same way!

[seat6]

Is James Frey allowed to write these days? Maybe he should find another line of work.