Re: Dear Hollywood...

[Deleted]

Dear Hollywood:

Not like you'd care, but for a few months I wasn't feeling well and on top of that, had an incredible amount of stress going on. I lost quite a bit of weight. I've recently had both men and women (including my boyfriend!) gently suggest that I start eating more to put on a few pounds. Do you see what I'm saying? Your idea of what is pleasing to the average person's eye regarding the female body is way out of synch with the reality of it. In real life, underweight people elicit concern in others, not lust!

Although you're not listening, thanks.

Bonsai (who is going to gain a few pounds back, like it or not, Hollywood!)

P.S. -- Skinny actresses, please wise up. It really doesn't look that good.

[Alexis Machine]

Dear Hollywood,


I know you are currently experiencing a shortage of screenwriters (or at least you'd better be), but there is no excuse for befouling perfectly good classic movies. You recently destroyed almost every good memory I have of Vincent Price by releasing a 'remake'/ 'reimagining' of House of Wax, featuring the colossal talents of Paris Hilton (an airhead who is more well known for never having met a d*ck she didn't like than for her 'acting'), Chad Something-Someone-or Another (who was shown to be a massive tool on the MTV specials), and a bunch of other people I don't know and could care less about. I've heard rumors of reamkes of the memorable Sparkle and The Women, the thought of which gave me night terrors.

For the love of all that is holy, STOP! If you have to, go to junior and high schools to recruit writers, scour the internet, or better yet, go to your local library and read a f*cking book, instead of sh*tting on cherished movies.

Sincerely,

q99

[Metizia]

Dear Hollywood,


I would appreciate it if you would stop casting 30 year olds as teenagers.

Stop casting Hispanics as servants and stop casting white people with tans as Hispanics.

[hillbillylover]

Dear Hollywood,

I know it's a difficult concept to grasp, but in real life, some African American men actually date or are married to African American Women.

Just something you might want to remember the next time you cast Denzel or Will's leading lady.

Sincerely,

Hillbillylover

[zivvie]

Dear Hollywood,
- Please stop using talent-free celebs as actors. There are so many talented and gorgeous performers with actual skills and talent who would make your productions shine.
- From time to time, someone may have a great idea of how to remake a movie classic. Most of the time, however, remakes suck really badly. Please keep this in mind when considering projects.
- Women who look like frozen skeletons covered in orange-Mystic-Tanned Saran Wrap are not attractive. I don['t know who put this in the Requirements For Successful Films memo, but please edit it out.
- If an actress has four films in a row that tank, she starts to lose her ability to demand huge salaries. Please use this same standard with actors.
- Please find studio executives with some cojones who engage in non-traditional casting, who read, who will choose to make films with real stories and use performers who make the stories leap off the page.

Love and kisses,
Zivvie
-

[Auroranorth]

Dear Hollywood,

Not too long ago, you did comedy films that relied on witty banter to move the plot along. There was the occasional sight gag, but people talked, and they were funny! Please bring those back. If the Farrelly brothers do one more film, I may snap and beat them over the head with Miss Manners' thickest book.

Very truly yours,
Auroranorth

P.S. They could also be sexy without being vulgar, but one thing at a time.

[zacandmax]

Dear Hollywood:

Stop being so fucking phony.

Thanks,
Zacandmax

[Deleted]

Dear Hollywood:

Please require each recipient of a SAG card to sign a contract saying he/she will never ever run for public office. Make it retroactive to, say, 1776.

Your pal,
Duke

P.S. There seems to be a problem with my invitations to Oscar ceremonies. Can someone look into that? Have your people text my people.

[tinyshoes]

Dear Hollywood,

I haven't seen a trailer for an Ashley Judd movie all year. Keep up the good work.

Love,
Tinyshoes

[colette]

Dear Hollywood,

There are women who don't find Jude Law and Orlando Bloom attractive. We wish you would give some of their leading roles to actors whose passage through puberty is more discernable. These actors can be identified by their stubbly cheeks, deep voices, animal magnetism, and proven testosterone levels. I particularly recommend Sean Bean, Clive Owen, Viggo Mortensen...

On a more general note, if you're surprised that an actor can lift his sword with only one hand, he might not be the best choice for your sword fest/gladiator/Roman Emperor/crusade movie du jour.

Cheers,

Colette