The Works of Stephenie Meyer

[dwanollah]

Dec 18, 2009 15:08:00 GMT -4 MissPandora said:

Stephenie may be #3 on my Hate list now.

Okay, who else besides Hitler was ahead of her?

It's Living People Who I Hate and Want to Punch in the Face. Actually, StephEnie might be #5... including Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. Also, Octomom, the remaining Jackson family (not counting the kids), and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

[Deleted]

I'm just really surprised that a lot of people who are otherwise not big readers seem to be huge fans of her books. I've heard the argument that if you're young or just don't read much the bad writing doesn't seem as bad to you, which I get - I read VC Andrews in junior high - but the thing is, while I think people like Dan Brown and James Patterson are also lousy writers, I get how a wide audience can read their books. They're straightforward and punchy and the plot moves right along. It's formulaic, but they dole out a clue or a murder or an attack on the protagonist every chapter to keep people's interest, and you can be entertained without ever having to think. But Meyer's books have none of that. Twilight bored the hell out of me, and I have read some boring shit. Even her descriptions of Edward are pretty flimsy - white, beautiful, beautiful, sparkly and beautiful. I mean, I started the book expecting it to be guilty-pleasure bad, all overwrought and melodramatic and...zzzzzzz. It doesn't even have enough oomph to be overwrought. They have a Coke and suddenly she's in love with him.

Also, her use of the word "irrevocably" really annoys me. She uses it several times in Twilight, in ways that are technically correct (or at least, not technically incorrect), but...weird. Like, "the moon was irrevocably beautiful." Okay? It just seems like a strange choice of intensifier, since its permanence or lack thereof doesn't really tell us anything about the moon's beauty. I know people say she should get a thesaurus, but her writing strikes me as someone who's using one, and throwing out words she's never actually heard/read in context.

And since I've never gotten this out there before, it's really strange to me that amidst all the Mormony abstinence stuff Bella has the inspiration to bat her eyes and "smolder" at Jacob to get him to tell her about the Cullens, and this is treated as totally okay. Because from a human decency standpoint, she's aware he has a crush or at least an interest in her, and she's flirting with him even though she's totally not interested, and she's an asshole. And from the self-righteous sex-is-bad standpoint, she's using her sexuality to manipulate him, which you would think would also be bad.

[susyhomewrecker]

I know people say she should get a thesaurus, but her writing strikes me as someone who's using one, and throwing out words she's never actually heard/read in context.

Ha, I got this exact same feeling reading the first chapter of Twilight. I mean, hey, Shift+F7 helped me out with a lot of papers in college, but it was always, "what's that other word for _______ that I can't think of right now?" so you scroll through the Word thesaurus until you find it. You don't randomly pick whatever "synonym" is first on the list.

If anything, SMeyer needed a better editor, preferably one who saw the need for a little thing called A PLOT! If I hadn't been spoiled for the lulz to be had in Breaking Dawn, I never would have been motivated to get through the series. As it was, it was a battle.

[MrsCatHead]

MarchingPenguin, even my 10yr old, who is reading Twilight for the first time, thought Bella was an asshole for jerking Jacob around, knowing he is in love with her.

[Deleted]

I started reading just to see the hype, and then I figured I'd read the whole series. I was REALLY eager to get to the c-section by TEETH, but they don't even SHOW it. They cut to another scene just as it's about to happen! WTF?!?! That would have been the only DECENT thing about it.


At least V.C. Andrews books -- the early ones -- are gross enough to be good. (Incest!!! Yeah!!!)

They're pretty dark and they're not MEANT to show healthy relationships. The ghostwriter sucks, though. Her family is really sucking on that cashcow.

[ovrdedge]

Cracked.com snarks hilariously on Edward Cullen. "The Stephenie Meyer Method" flow chart is a must-see.

Edward is a tall and handsome boy, with pale, white skin and amber eyes. These eyes - which are amber - have a constant look of chagrin within them. His skin looks like chiseled marble, which contrasts quite beautifully with his amber eyes. He is shaped like Adonis, his chiseled face displaying chagrin whenever his piercing, amber eyes are staring into Bella's. Whenever Bella looks into Edward's chiseled, amber eyes, she sees that his pale, Adonis-like figure is consumed with chagrin...

...this is what reading the fucking book is like.

Edward likes to start things off right. He begins his epic love tale seated next to Isabella Swan in a biology classroom - a prime situation for some introductions, small talk, and a series of horrifically bad sexual innuendos, right?

What follows is sixty minutes of the most awkward silence between two human beings you will ever witness. We've seen people with Asperger's Syndrome utilizing better body language than this. Not a word is exchanged between them. Edward just sits there, staring intently at her, rocking back and forth 'like' a madman. Remember that time you were sitting next to that really hot chick that you liked back in high school, and you tried to say something to her, but instead you accidentally collapsed into a violent coughing fit, sneezed blood and mucus all over her, fell off your chair and cried for half an hour? Yeah, you looked like George fucking Clooney next to this guy.

To his credit, he does make up for it by subsequently watching her sleep.

We'll just let you ponder why he gets called 'romantic' for this, and yet we can't go within 200meters* of our exes anymore.

Edward is also amongst the worst fathers in existence, exhibiting the kind of responsibility one might expect from a crowd of angry English football fans armed with whiskey and crowbars. After delivering his child, Renesmee, by tearing apart his wife's uterus with his teeth (just don't ask, okay? This shit is fucked up enough already), he soon starts leaving his dear child with his old enemy, Jacob Black.

For those of you unfamiliar with the series, this is the same Jacob Black who swore to brutally murder the baby literally moments after her birth. And who then declared his undying love for the tiny infant the second he met her. And who had previously attempted to force himself upon the baby's mother. And just so we're clear, we're not talking about the wholesome family-friend-who-the-kids-call "Uncle Jacob" kind of love. We're talking about good old werewolf/vampire-hybrid-thing child molesting.

And Edward happily leaves his tiny infant daughter with the psychotic, mood-swinging, attempted-raping, pedophilic, would-be child murderer.

And this is a kid's book.

And this isn't the only instance of pedophilia in the books, either, leading us to believe that the entire series relies upon the Social Services department being on some sort of epic cocaine binge.

[Auroranorth]

You missed the best bit!

Oh, almost forgot. One last thing - Edward has his own religion.
Cullenism.

This is not a joke.

This is a real religion. They believe that the Cullens are real, and must be worshipped. They believe that Stephenie Meyer is a prophet, and that the Twilight series are, in fact, holy books. And that the reward for a life of devout worship and right living is eternal life with the Cullens - including Jacob, Bella, and Meyer.

That's right. You get to spend eternity with an arrogant jerk, a pedophile, a cretin, an idiot novelist, and a horde of shrieking fangirls.

And that's if you're good.

[Deleted]

Wow! And I thought the Sookie books were elementary! I've never seen the movies or read one of Meyer's books, but I've been contemplating it. I don't think I'm going to crack the first page. I think I'd claw out my own eyeballs.

[regencydrama]

Greenapple: The only time I would suggest reading it is if you're sick, bored, and there's absolutely no other forms of entertainment available.

I really dislike people who are like "LOLz, it's just a book" when I criticize Twilight. Yes, it IS just a book, but there are a lot of readers - especially the younger ones - who will be influenced BY this book.

Case in point: my friend just confessed that she wants an Edward of her very own, someone who "loves her enough" to care about every thing she does and every move she makes. When I tried telling her that was more creepy stalker behavior than love, she just tutted at me and said that I didn't understand "true love".

[dwanollah]

I would like to agree with everything regencydrama just said.

Really, it's not even worth it for the lulz, and anyone who thinks Twilight = True Love!! and wants an Edward of their own needs therapy.