The Etiquette Thread

[zivvie]

Try reversing the invitation, MWG: Would you expect the mom-to-be to chip in for a stroller for you if you were expecting? Does she know you that well? If no, then don't feel obligated to contribute, show up, or converse about things that don't interest you.

{but I hope someone nabs you a piece of cake!}

[Daisy Pusher]

marywebgirl said:

I have an etiquette dilema that I need help with: I've been invited via e-mail to a baby shower/potluck lunch at work, and the sender of the e-mail suggests we all chip in to get the mom-to-be a stroller. First of all, I don't know the person who sent the e-mail at all. I'm sure I'd recognize her if I saw her, but I don't know the name. Second, I barely know the pregnant woman. Third, I'm sort of anti-social at work. Standing around for 10 minutes eating cake for birthdays is about all I can stand and I usually spend lunch eating at my desk and reading the paper, so I really don't want to attend. Fourth, I'm not really interested in babies or kids, so if that's what the conversation is going to be, the lunch will be even worse.

Will I look like an evil ogre if I just offer to chip in on the gift but decline attending lunch?

Did this e-mail invitation get distributed to the entire office? If you really barely know the mother (like maybe enough to say hi to in the hallways, for example), maybe just send her a card congratulating her on her impending arrival, then plead a previous engagement on the day of the shower? I wouldn't feel obligated to chip in, especially with a e-mail invite.

[marywebgirl]

Would you expect the mom-to-be to chip in for a stroller for you if you were expecting? Does she know you that well?

That's the thing--I don't expect jack shit from people I work with. And I just looked again and the shower invite went out to more than 16 people, so it probably won't be too obvious if I'm not there. I think I'm still going to chip in on the gift, though. Thanks everyone!

[anne]

dwanollah said:

dukeofurl said:

I have nothing against old people, honest, in fact I hope to become one one day. But I want to know why a good number of them, in departments stores and other places with escalators, get to the end and STOP DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS when they get off so they can look around for the Old Folks Department or whatever. People, I can't do a moonwalk back up or down the escalator you just got off! Please keep moving.

I usually plow into 'em. Department stores, airports, museums... without fail, there's someone bumbling.

The etiquette no-no that always chaps my hide is people saying they're going to be at a party and then not showing up. Last month, we went to a friend's BBQ, and he and his wife had over 30 people RSVP "yes," so they worked their asses off getting food together, bought butt-loads of sodas and steaks and burger buns, fired up the grill... and 8 people showed up. Only one bothered to call and say he couldn't make it. One called and said he'd totally be over right after his son's ball game and then never showed.

And this happens all the time, be it a casual BBQ or a wedding. And it's rude as fuck.

I agree completely! It's hard for me to decide if I get more angry about people who RSVP to attend something and never show up, or people who never bother to RSVP, and then DO show up. Then there's the one worse than that - not RSVPing, and showing up with EXTRA people!!!! I ended up eating potato chips and a bun with ketchup on it at a cook-out I hosted one time because the non-RSVP'd and surprise guests outnumbered the burgers I had bought. (and I am one of those hostesses who WAY overdoes it on the food).

An RSVP is not just a "Hey, I got your invitation in the mail". It is a headcount for the entire preparation for an event, and it needs to be right. You may be one person, but there are 14 other people who think they're just one person too!!!

Okay, I feel better now. Thank you!

marywebgirl said:

I have an etiquette dilema that I need help with: I've been invited via e-mail to a baby shower/potluck lunch at work, and the sender of the e-mail suggests we all chip in to get the mom-to-be a stroller. First of all, I don't know the person who sent the e-mail at all. I'm sure I'd recognize her if I saw her, but I don't know the name. Second, I barely know the pregnant woman. Third, I'm sort of anti-social at work. Standing around for 10 minutes eating cake for birthdays is about all I can stand and I usually spend lunch eating at my desk and reading the paper, so I really don't want to attend. Fourth, I'm not really interested in babies or kids, so if that's what the conversation is going to be, the lunch will be even worse.

Will I look like an evil ogre if I just offer to chip in on the gift but decline attending lunch?

I agree with those who've said make other plans for that day for lunch, and say you had them first. As for the gift, if you want to do it, give a nominal donation. If you don't want to, don't.

These delimmas are why I wish birthday/wedding/baby and other celebrations would just be banned from the workplace all together! There is way too much of an expectation to participate which should not be there.

[hamhock]

yep, definitely pencil in "rectal exam" on your calendar and skip the baby shower and if anyone asks, well...you know, point to the calendar.

[anne]

Here's another baby shower question I'd like some opinions on - I have always been told that it is bad etiquette for immediate family members of a bride or mother-to-be to throw a shower. My best friend is pregnant right now, and when I found out, I offered to throw her a baby shower. She told me that her sister would probably like to help out as well. I was a bit thrown off, but figured I could go with it, thinking she'd just be the one to help get addresses or whatever. I spoke to the sister today, and it's quite evident that she's "helping out" in every way. Basically, she's marched in and is planning the thing, and I'll be her little helper. Am I wrong in thinking that mothers or sisters should not be throwing the thing?

[Deleted]

You are correct, anne, family members are not supposed to host showers for each other.

Here's a situation I encountered recently, I was asked to help throw a bridal shower. During the planning, I was told that "the bride wanted" this and that, so we had to plan the shower according to the bride's wishes, because it was "her" day. Umm, isn't the wedding day the bride's day? How many days does getting married entitle you to?

I ended up getting p.o.'d about the whole thing, in part because all of her requirements ended up costing the hostesses over $100 each.

And I'm still waiting for my thank you note.

[mrpancake]

I can sort of see a mom not throwing a shower for her daughter, but why not a sister? I know a lot of people whose sister is their best friend? Just curious...

[anne]

I have always been told that for any immediate family member to throw it, it's the family expecting people to provide gifts for a family member.

[Sunnyhorse]

You're right, Anne -- it looks like a tacky grab for gifts if a close family member throws a shower for someone. Sis should be taking a backseat to your direction here, if she's involved at all.