The Etiquette Thread

[Ripley]

According to the lady at Etiquette Hell, it is acceptable for family members to throw a shower as long as only family members are attending. As soon as others are invited, then it becomes inappropriate for family to host.

[Deleted]

I don't get that. If I were getting married/having a baby, I'd want my sister-in-law to host because she's my friend and she'd be the best person for the job. So even if you're related to your best friend or maid of honor, you should ban them from planning a shower for you...why exactly? She's not getting any of the presents, so I don't see how it can seen as a grab for gifts anymore than if a friend hosted it.

[anne]

Sister-in-law, as I've alawys been taught, would be fine. She's technically not immediately family. You should not have to ban anyone from giving a shower for you, because according to the etiqutte rules, they really shouldn't offer in the first place. Where weddings are concerned, it's fine for an immediate family member to throw other parties related to the wedding - engagement party, bridesmaid luncheon, bachelorette party, rehersal dinner. They just should not be throwing the "give me gifts" party. I THINK it goes back to the originations of showers - that the women of the community come together to give the bride/mother-to-be the items she wuold need to put her house/nursery together. According to those traditions, the immediately family would help in that endeavor anyway, so for them to throw the shower would be in a way shirking their responsibility to other people. Obviously times have changed, and showers aren't really NEEDED to put a home together. But Miss Manners says the no immediate family rule still stands.

Sunnyhorse, I agree with you completely that the sister should betaking the backseat for this shower. Not only because she's a sister, but also because the shower began with me in the first place, and she just joined in once she was told I was doing it. But this particular sister has not taken a back seat to ANYONE since before she could talk ... and the only thing that stopped her then was the inability to get others to understand her orders. So I'm really faced with either sticking to proper etiquette and having my best friend remember her pregnancy as a miserable battle between her sister and best friend, or else I smile and nod, and only put my foot down if the sister is going to bankrupt me with her plans. As much as it irritates me, I think I'm better off to smile and not, and vent to my mother and/or people who don't know her when necessary.

[Sunnyhorse]

In related gripes, has anyone else gotten a wedding invitation with an enclosed business card for the store at which the bride is registered? Makes me see red. Grrrr.

[dwanollah]

The wedding industry is notorious for promoting this kind of thing, and it's only gotten worse. When we registered, we had all sorts of offers for the stores to provide these kinds of "helpful" things for us to include in our invitations... and the staff would even argue with me when I told them that it was inappropriate and a huge etiquette no-no. Of course, the wedding industry blows anyway, so I ain't surprised.

[batmom]

TiaMaria, unfortunately many brides need to be reminded that a) if someone is kind enough to host a party for you, you say thank you and show up when asked to (with flowers for the hostess). It is not a time to regress to a five year old demanding a Pretty Pretty Princess party and b) it's not all about them (including the wedding day). It's about family and the bond of marriage.

I'm so grateful that most of my friends are sane. I've yet to encounter a bridezilla in my immediate circle.

I think the solution to the sister throwing a shower is to have the sister who wishes to be involved help but not host. anne, I'd suggest that you delegate things to the sister. Announce that you'll do x, y, and z, and you'd appreciate if she did a, b, and c. Tell her how much you're prepared to spend and if she goes over on her end, that's for her to shoulder.

[Deleted]

I received a wedding invitation the other day for a pretty swanky evening ceremony. On the bottom it informs me in lovely script that children are not going to be allowed at the ceremony. Okay, I've heard of people doing this and as someone who despises little people in settings like that, that's fine. However, they have not made arrangements for someone to care for the children during the ceremony, like hiring two babysitters or something. I'm from the groom's family and we [my immediate family] have to travel quite a ways to attend this thing. If you're going to ban children shouldn't you have to line up the child care?

Oh, and this invitation had a Target slip enclosed. If you can afford a wedding this size you can buy your own blender from Target. God.

[Ripley]

If you're going to ban children shouldn't you have to line up the child care?

No, I don't think so. It's a very nice gesture if the bride and groom offer child care, but it is not required.

[anne]

svengali said:

If you're going to ban children shouldn't you have to line up the child care?

I agree that providing child care is a nice touch, but not required. When my sister got married, all but 5 of the guests were coming from out of town, some brought children with them who were not invited to the wedding. Some brought their own babysitters. Others asked my mom about babysitters, and she provided them with names of some friends she knew who were able to help out, but it was up to the families to arrange for it. Others made arrangements to leave their children at home while they travelled for the wedding. It's the bride and groom's job to entertain the guests. It's the guest's job to handle the logistics of attending. I'd say that it's not so much that children are banned as they are not invited. I'm not sure when we arrived at this notion of "If you invite me, you invite my children", but it is an assumption I do not agree with. If people respected the etiquette of an invitation in the first place (only brining who is actually invited) it would not be necessary to put such a note on an invitation.

svengali said:

Oh, and this invitation had a Target slip enclosed. If you can afford a wedding this size you can buy your own blender from Target. God.

I'm curious as to this sentiment. I agree that the "we're registered" here cards are tacky, but it sounds like your objecting to the gift period and not the registration card. Do you not think that people who throw a big wedding are deserving of gifts?

[Oxynia]

I don't think child-care is required, either. If you're travelling to the wedding, perhaps the hotel you're staying at can arrange babysitting (I know some of the bigger chains have sitting services within the hotel). Or else you could ask the bride or groom for the names and numbers of local daycare centres, who could either help or refer you to someone qualified. We have travelled with our two small kids to a few events like weddings etc. and always end up arranging our own sitters.