The Etiquette Thread

[Yossarian]

Yeah, I am continually surprised by the outfits that people choose to wear to events such as weddings and funerals. At my grandmother's funeral, more than one of my cousin's friends turned up in light blue jeans and t-shirts. I mean, they may not have owned suits but at least wear something dark to fricking funeral!

I have an etiquette question - what are the rules on inviting friend's new partners to events you are hosting? And I mean "new" as in we haven't met her but he is moving in with her. The additional complication is that the guy in question used to seriously date one of my best friends and she will also be at said event. Do you think it would be rude to ring him before issuing an invite and explain to him our reservations? I guess if I was the new girlfriend I would be pissed at getting the cold shoulder from his friends through no fault of my own. And I wouldn't want our reticence to include the new girlfriend to effectively mean that we didn't see him because he didn't want to anger her. On the other hand, if we are paying hundred dollars plus for said event why should we pay for a meal for someone we don't know and who will only make the occasion awkward? Hmmmm.

[anne]

That one is tricky. I tend to think it's rather difficult to exclude the person someone is dating if they are living together. I don't have a problem with not including an "and guest" on an invitation if the invitee is 1) not dating anyone seriously and 2) has other people to come to the event with (like a group of friends or whatever). So since they are an actual couple living together, and not just some random person asked to go along as a date, I think I'd say it's best to invite the partner.

Regarding the issue of the best friend who used to date the same person ... that is something that the best friend has to deal with, and if it's all the same circle of friends, chances are this won't be the only time she'll have to face it. It's a no win situation it a group of friends has to constantly choose between inviting one or the other. Hopefully, both would be big enough to be able to be at the same event and act like grown ups enough to survive it. If not, it should be the chioce of one or the other not to attend - not a choice forced on the others effected to decide which trumps which.

[dnt]

I think that as uncomfortable as it seems, having a registry is the polite thing to do.

I think you may be right. When I put myself in the position of being a guest and not having any idea what to get as a gift, it seems like that would be incredibly frustrating. It's just difficult to think where to register and what to register for because we've been living together for so long that frankly, if we don't own it by now, we don't need it.

[emersende]

DNT, the charitable donations idea isn't rude at all. I can't point to a specific thing she's written, but I'm certain that Miss Manners has approved that.

[luckylexie]

Speaking of registries, I would like to know your thoughts on my situation. I'm pregnant with my first (due in February) and do not want a baby shower. I just don't want the attention, not to mention that the timing is kind of crappy. I enjoy attending baby showers, I just don't want to be the center of everyone's attention. I also wouldn't want to foist a shower on guests just before Christmas or have one in January either because everyone is just recovering from the holidays. Also, I live out of town and I don't want to travel back home (although it's not far) for the shower... I'm too damn tired all the time! I can afford to buy whatever the baby needs and my parents are going to buy the crib as a gift for their first grandchild.

Of course, my mother and MIL are completely baffled by my not wanting one and keep harping on me. My mother keeps saying that people will want to buy me a gift and I know she's right. I'm particular with the stuff I want to buy for the baby and cringe at the thought of being presented with goofy baby stuff or stuff I know I won't use.

So, would it be weird or rude to have a baby registry without having a shower?

[Deleted]

I'm not sure when we arrived at this notion of "If you invite me, you invite my children", but it is an assumption I do not agree with. If people respected the etiquette of an invitation in the first place (only brining who is actually invited) it would not be necessary to put such a note on an invitation.

I have no problem following an invitiation to the letter. Here's what happened recently; my husband's nephew was getting married out of state. We were debating on if we should go until I got to the part of the invitation that clearly said "No children allowed, please." Well, since we have a child, we declined to attend said wedding. Nephew then had the nerve to get huffy and said that we should have come anyway. I asked him what did he think I was going to do, leave Starboy in the hotel room? He has 2 children who were in the wedding, but those are his children. His new bride clearly didn't want any other children there! I'm not asking if I did the right thing; I followed the instructions that were given.

[kanding]

I think you did the only thing you could do, Stardancer2001. If your nephew in-law had a problem with it, that was his concern. I wouldn't want children at my wedding (I bypassed all the wedding, shower, reception, etc. etiquette by eloping), but I would understand if that meant that some people would not be able to attend.

I'm continually amazed at the sense of entitlement shown by many people getting married. It's as if they've swallowed the whole idea pushed on them by the wedding industry that it's HER DAY, it's HIS DAY. And everyone must bow down to their wishes.

[batmom]

So, would it be weird or rude to have a baby registry without having a shower?

It's quite fine to not want a shower and nobody should force you. People will want to get you gifts, though, that's par for the course. I'm not too keen on baby registries (I don't know why, I'm just not), but why don't you make a list of things you can use and send it to your mother and your m-i-l and say "If people ask you what we'd like for the baby, these are some suggestions." You will get things you don't need or want, in which case I'd recommend donating them to a woman's shelter.

I think that Miss Manners frowns upon dictating that guests should give to charity (like being too overt with the registry, it's seen as assuming and directing people's generosity) however, there's nothing wrong with communicating to your family members and bridal party that you and the Mr feel that you have everything you need but that you have a couple of favourite charities. It's then up to the guests to decide what to do with that information.

ETA - Not going because of childcare issues is a completely valid response and not worth your nephew getting huffy over. It would be kind of people who are having no-kids affairs to do some legwork to find potential sitters for their out of town guests, but they also have to accept that some parents are going to have to refuse.

[Sunnyhorse]

Luckymurre, I can't speak for anyone else here and don't know whether what you're proposing is proper etiquette, but I'd rather eat glass than attend a shower. (It's possible that I'm missing part of one of my girlie genes.) I'd be thrilled to learn that a loved one had registered but wasn't having a twee little party where people could bug me about when I'm going to get around to having kids myself. It goes without saying that the women of CPMCoG all had/have kick-ass showers and would never let their guests pull such crap, but we know how things are out there in the real world.

Stardancer, I don't know what your nephew thought you were supposed to do -- find a weekend-long babysitter for Starboy? In light of the fact that it was a family wedding and your fellow family members were presumably going to be at the wedding, who did he think was going to do the honors for you? It would appear that you had a Groomzilla on your hands! At my first wedding, we hired a trusted teenager from the church to staff the nursery -- if your nephew was so adamant about the no-kids arrangement but thought that all invitees should be there regardless, perhaps he should have made similar arrangements. (Sadly, I must report that the rudeness cuts both ways: Despite the free babysitting, my wedding was STILL interrupted by crying babies and chattering toddlers. Sigh.)

[anne]

luckymurre said:

Speaking of registries, I would like to know your thoughts on my situation. I'm pregnant with my first (due in February) and do not want a baby shower. I just don't want the attention, not to mention that the timing is kind of crappy. I enjoy attending baby showers, I just don't want to be the center of everyone's attention. I also wouldn't want to foist a shower on guests just before Christmas or have one in January either because everyone is just recovering from the holidays. Also, I live out of town and I don't want to travel back home (although it's not far) for the shower... I'm too damn tired all the time! I can afford to buy whatever the baby needs and my parents are going to buy the crib as a gift for their first grandchild.

Of course, my mother and MIL are completely baffled by my not wanting one and keep harping on me. My mother keeps saying that people will want to buy me a gift and I know she's right. I'm particular with the stuff I want to buy for the baby and cringe at the thought of being presented with goofy baby stuff or stuff I know I won't use.

So, would it be weird or rude to have a baby registry without having a shower?

I don't think it is rude at all to have a registry and not a shower. After all, their are wedding guests who attend the wedding and give a gift, but never attend a bridal shower. Why wouldn't a baby registry be the same way? I think your reasons for shying away from a shower make perfect sense, and if you don't want one, you should not be forced into one. There ARE people who will give you gifts whether you have a shower or not, and those people would probably be helped by a registry. I know I've sent baby gifts before to people I did not attend a shower for.