The Etiquette Thread

[Deleted]

I don't know. I think it would come off as "I don't want to hang out with you but I still want you to buy me a present."

[anne]

mulva said:

I don't know. I think it would come off as "I don't want to hang out with you but I still want you to buy me a present."

If you were to mail out the little "I'm registered here" cards, without an invitation, I'd take it as a "I don't want to hang out with you but I still want a present". But if the registry is only mentioned to people who ask if there is one, I don't take it that way.

[Sunnyhorse]

I read it exactly as Anne does -- so long as the registry exists and isn't being publicized unless people ask where the honoree is registered, no sin is being committed.

[Deleted]

Does anyone know how many showers/parties are the right amount to have before a wedding? I always thought you had one bridal shower OR a Jack & Jill before the wedding, and that was it. The bachelor/bachelorette parties were small and by invite only.

Now, it just seems like people are getting married and they wants us (the guests) to pay for the whole thing. A few of my cousins, etc have gotten married in the past few years, and each one has both a women-only bridal shower (we had to buy tickets plus bring a wrapped gift), a greenback Jack & Jill (where we were expected to pay $25 a ticket to come and eat, plus bring a gift of money), huge bachelor/bachelorette parties where the whole gender of the family was invited and expected to pay your own way plus chip in extra for the bride/groom, plus bring a gift to the wedding (which, in one case, was states away from both the bride and groom's family, so hardly anyone could afford to fly out there and attend). And, since we didn't go to the wedding, we were expected to mail them our gift/card. Is this right? Is this how people can afford to have $10,000 weddings?

We had a bridal shower w/ gifts and that was it. I had my bridesmaids sleep over the house the night before the wedding and we made frozen mudslides and chatted. Mr. Bones' party took him up to a strip club and paid his way in, and gave him s few ones to "play" with. That was it. We had a low-key wedding b/c it was all we could afford between our two families. No one said anything (that I know of), but compared to weddings past, ours was tiny and unglamourous (is that even a word?) b/c we didn't rake our families dry w/ all of the ticket buying and money gifts we could have asked for before the wedding day. So, what's the scoop on this?

[Oxynia]

A few of my cousins, etc have gotten married in the past few years, and each one has both a women-only bridal shower (we had to buy tickets plus bring a wrapped gift), a greenback Jack & Jill (where we were expected to pay $25 a ticket to come and eat, plus bring a gift of money)

Buy tickets? Pay a door charge? Was Ticketmaster involved? I've never heard of such a thing, and I think it's pretty tacky.

I know a few people who had multiple showers, mostly because they lived in different states from both families, and someone hosted small gatherings for local relatives in both sites. But to my knowledge, paying to get in or buying tickets like you're going to the cinema didn't factor into it, nor did multiple parties for the same set of guests.

We had a no-gift policy for our wedding so there was no shower. The boys had their stag party, we had a hen party and that was it.

[Yossarian]

We had a bridal shower w/ gifts and that was it. I had my bridesmaids sleep over the house the night before the wedding and we made frozen mudslides and chatted. Mr. Bones' party took him up to a strip club and paid his way in, and gave him s few ones to "play" with. That was it. We had a low-key wedding b/c it was all we could afford between our two families. No one said anything (that I know of), but compared to weddings past, ours was tiny and unglamourous (is that even a word?) b/c we didn't rake our families dry w/ all of the ticket buying and money gifts we could have asked for before the wedding day. So, what's the scoop on this?

BagOfBones, if Mr. Y. and I ever decide to make it legal I am going to try to follow your line with wedding planning. Something simple and low-key that will not bankrupt our friends and family. I think people have lost their minds with all these wedding extravaganzas - I know of a couple who blew many tens of thousands on their reception only to then go live in a caravan. Morons. And no offense to those of you who did have large weddings but, seriously, adult women don't need to live out their Cinderella fantasies, it is not the most important day of your life, and your wedding will not be ruined if you are forced to walk down the aisle in anything other than Vera Wang.

My current wedding gripe is regarding one that we have to attend the weekend before Christmas. Yes, the frickin' weekend before Christmas! That part of it is annoying enough but then the couple told everyone, before they issued invitations, that the wedding would be held in Sydney. So all their inter-state/overseas guests booked flights and hotels - as you would for the frickin' weekend before Christmas - only to have the invitations arrive detailing a Canberra reception (3 hours south). So now we all have to go to Canberra for three days of wedding festivities, pay for three nights of accommodation over the peak holiday period, and try to pretend that we are having a good time. Let me tell you, I am going to make sure that I get my fill of their food and alcohol! ;D

[Oxynia]

Let me tell you, I am going to make sure that I get my fill of their food and alcohol!

Yossarian, for the effort you and the other guests will be going to, I certainly hope you all bring shopping bags and take lots of food and alcohol home with you!! Really, a 3-hour journey between wedding and reception sites is preposterous!

[Deleted]

bagofbones said:

... a greenback Jack & Jill (where we were expected to pay $25 a ticket to come and eat, plus bring a gift of money)....

Something like that is kinda common where I live - there are frequently ads in the paper:

Mixed Stag and Doe for Jane Jones and Robert Smith
Date and Time
Local Motel Party Room
Tickets $X

I've never gone to one (I spent my elementary and high school years here, but my friends tended to be those who weren't native - it's a bit claustrophobic in the gene pool), but it always struck me as a bizarre concept. I think they tend to be planned by the wedding party. I'm sure that there is also a shower thrown by the appropriate people - heck, there may be several showers (one at work, one at home etc.)

Personally, I plan to abscond with the future hypothetical bridegroom and get married on the beach somewhere in the Caribbean - no showers, no bachelor/ette parties. Mind you, a date would be a step in the right direction....

[JDub]

We actually hosted our own baby shower. My parents don't live in our state, my closest friends don't live in the same city, and we just didn't want to burden anyone with the cost and planning of it. Our house was the best place for it. My fiance's niece took over as host during the party though. We invited a lot of people so I remarked on the insert with directions that it was really important that people RSVPed due to the party size. Only the coworkers I'd invited did so. Most of the invited guests were my fiance's family, so it pissed me off that they didn't even bother letting us know. We had to call almost everyone to find out if they were coming. Then, about 15-20 people who said they were coming never showed. This really bugged me; it's so rude. I had tons of leftover food that went to waste because of that.

I've had an etiquette arguement or two with Mr. JDTB because his family is so terrible with things like RSVPing. His cousins are those people that don't RSVP and still show up with extra people and NO gift. And, see, if we were to invite one of his aunts to something, she would immediately assume she could bring all her kids and grandkids and nephews and nieces. I just don't know why people are so rude about these kinds of things.

A friend of mine got married a few months ago, and initially I had plans to fly out for the wedding. She emailed me before sending out the invitations asking me if I was sure I could go because their guest list was tight. I said yes but since my fiance couldn't afford to take the trip too, would it be okay if I brought my best friend who lives in the same city as the wedding with me as my guest. She actually told me that she hadn't planned on inviting my fiance and that instead of bringing my best friend, she's prefer if if I rode to the wedding with another friend of ours from high school that was going. I told her as sweetly as I could that I hoped she wasn't disinviting spouses of the majority of her guests, and that it was a bit rude. I also told her if her guest list was so tight it might be easier to not invite me. It appeared that she was trying to keep her number at 100 and had to get as much family in there as possible, but wanted all of their friends to come as singles. I didn't think that was the greatest idea.

I love registries. I consider them to be a courtesy, quite honestly. As a gift giver, I'd much rather give someone something I know they wanted and needed and would put to use. I hate when people give me gifts because it's obviously something they'd like and would suit their own tastes, but nothing I cared for. My own mother is terrible at getting me gifts. She sent me all this tacky and cheap stuff when she found out I was pregnant, almost all of which I ended up returning. I started my baby registry pretty early on so that she could get me things I actually wanted. I know that sounds harsh, but if you knew my mom... Anyway, I don't have a problem with registries, but if people have specific requests for different kinds of gifts listed on the invite, that bothers me a little. Friends of ours got married this spring, and indicated on their invitations that in lieu of gifts there would be a wishing well at the reception. Which I took to mean that they just wanted cash gifts. They had sponsors and could not really afford the wedding, which was very small and very tacky. I don't like to give money as a gift unless it's to someone I'm very close to. I'd much prefer to give a gift card, which is what they got.

Oh, and I hate that etiquette says that by receiving a wedding invitation, you are still pretty much obligated to give a gift even if you don't plan to go. I feel that people sometimes take advantage of that and send an invitation knowing full well you can't go, just so you'll send a gift. Also, we went to a wedding for one of Mr. JDTB's co-worker's last year and never received a thank you card for our gift. It still bugs me.

I would really like to start some kind of movement to get people to RSVP again. I'm only 26, and I feel so old when I talk about no one have any sort of manners these days.

[aims]

In regards to a wedding gift registry in the invitation. When I got married we had so many people asking us what we needed. Well I'm 31 and my husband is 41 and we had been living alone mostly since we left home at 18 so we didn't need much. We were asked by so many people that we decided to just give in and register. We really didn't want gifts at all but we figured it was more rude to say that than to just register and be done with it. We didn't put a card in the invitation or write it on the invitation. Instead we printed little clear sticky labels with the information of where we registered and used that to seal the invitation shut. What do y'all think of that?
We also had a keg and wine at the wedding dinner, but we also had a cash bar. Where I live it isn't really considered rude to have guests pay for other drinks. We provided plenty of beer and wine. That might have been a mistake but we couldn't afford an open bar. We didn't have a dance, just the ceremony, reception and dinner.

I didn't want a bridal shower either. I don't like attention on me and I don't need people buying me gifts really. So my sister (maid of honor) and I decided to just have a casual get together with only 3 of my closest friends. We played mini golf . I tried to make it known that I didn't want gifts but they brought them anyway.