The Etiquette Thread

[anne]

Chalk me up as another one who has never heard of having to buy tickets to a pre-wedding celebration - tacky! One of my cousins married into a hoity-toity kind of family, and had to have a huge wedding with a lot of parties leading into the affair. (but she still managed to wear a $200 thrift store gown, and sneak a Publix wedding cake into the reception without her mother-in-law knowing!) They had an engagement party, shower, chicken and biscuts party the Thursday before the wedding, bridesmaid luncheon, and rehersal dinner all before the wedding. But the only one of those which had any sort of expense for guests was the bridal shower. For the rest, the expenses were all handled by the people hosting the event. I personally believe that if you have various parties which will cost people money to attend, or if you decide to have your wedding somewhere that will require all guests to travel, then you do so realizing that everyone will not be able to attend due to the cost. IF you want everyone there, then you are obligated to make it as inexpensive and easy to attend as possible. There is a difference between an invitation and a subpoena.

On the topic of wedding etiquette, here's something I've always wondered about. I know that it is proper to congratulate the groom, and to give the bride your best wishes. Why is that? Why can't you congratulate the bride?

[dwanollah]

We didn't put a card in the invitation or write it on the invitation. Instead we printed little clear sticky labels with the information of where we registered and used that to seal the invitation shut. What do y'all think of that?

It's my understanding that ANY reference to the registry in/on the invitation is considered rude.

So aims, I think this means you must be smited and chastised! SHAME! SHAME! ;D

[anne]

dwanollah said:

It's my understanding that ANY reference to the registry in/on the invitation is considered rude.

I agree. I understand why people choose to insert a card, print the info on the invite, or print the info on a seal. The intent is very good-hearted, to answer a question that is going to be asked anyway. It's an efficiency move really. But the implication is different. For the 80 people who would ask the question, there may be 20 who weren't going to ask it, and they've been told anyway.

I'll admit to it - I've received wedding invitations before from people where it screamed "I just want a gift". One girl, who was my sorority little sister, I had completely lost touch with after graduating. I sent her Christmas and brithday cards. I e-mailed her to see how she was. None of those correspondence were ever answered. Then suddenly, I get a wedding invitation from her. My first communication from her in over 3 years. In that case, I was no asking "Oh where is she registered". I was a bit put off by suddenly being back in her circle of friends, so I RSVP'd that I would not be attending, and left it at that. No gift necessary in my book.

[Deleted]

I feel that over-the-top weddings are tacky as well. When Hubby and I decided to get married, we wanted a simple church wedding with our families in attendance. My Mother turned into a Bridezilla right from the start and insisted on having all these things that I didn't want. She figured it was her day instead of mine. I didn't get a bridal shower at all and had to fight her to get my favorite chef to cook for the rehearsal dinner (which I paid for!). Proper wedding ettiquette went out of the window real fast.

But I'm not bitter anymore. LOL!

My current situation concerns baby showers. I missed my baby shower with Starboy because he decided to be born that day (The party went on without me!). I am having my second baby in January. Since I missed my first shower, I wanted to have one for this baby. However, no one wants to throw one for me! I would throw one myself, but I am seriously strapped for cash (we moved to another house this year) and I am getting tired of doing everything myself. I don't really need much, but I deserve a party! [/rant]

[anne]

stardancer2001 said:

My current situation concerns baby showers. I missed my baby shower with Starboy because he decided to be born that day (The party went on without me!). I am having my second baby in January. Since I missed my first shower, I wanted to have one for this baby. However, no one wants to throw one for me! I would throw one myself, but I am seriously strapped for cash (we moved to another house this year) and I am getting tired of doing everything myself. I don't really need much, but I deserve a party! [/rant]

How many years are there between your babies? Generally, second pregnancies don't get showers, because the purpose of the shower is to provide you with the equipment you need to care for the baby. Unless you have a big gap in years between children, and you've gotten rid of all the stuff you had for the first one, there's no need for a shower.

[aims]

Oh I know, shame on me for sure. I'm an asshat . At least it was a very small wedding and I don't think I offended anyone.

So is it correct to be the sister of the groom and not even give a gift? I guess in this case it is almost to make a point. See I didnt have her do anything for the wedding. My husband isn't close to her, and she has been mean to his parents and the rest of his family. So her not giving a gift is only to show us she's not happy. But isn't that rude too?
Now remember, my husband and I didn't even want gifts! We never wanted a wedding, we just wanted a marriage. Does that make sense?

[anne]

I think that if you attend a wedding, and do not give a gift, it is rude. Period. The only exception is you attend as the date of a guest, and your date gives a gift. Then you are going as his/her escort rather than a guest per se.

[Auroranorth]

anne said:

stardancer2001 said:

My current situation concerns baby showers. I missed my baby shower with Starboy because he decided to be born that day (The party went on without me!). I am having my second baby in January. Since I missed my first shower, I wanted to have one for this baby. However, no one wants to throw one for me! I would throw one myself, but I am seriously strapped for cash (we moved to another house this year) and I am getting tired of doing everything myself. I don't really need much, but I deserve a party! [/rant]

How many years are there between your babies? Generally, second pregnancies don't get showers, because the purpose of the shower is to provide you with the equipment you need to care for the baby. Unless you have a big gap in years between children, and you've gotten rid of all the stuff you had for the first one, there's no need for a shower.

Miss Manners is with Anne on this one. (She is the Etiquette Goddess- go buy all her books and read them immediately!!) Showers signify first babies, so people don't usually throw them for second and up. Could you do something like a small tea after the baby's born? Teas are cheap.

I think that Miss Manners frowns upon dictating that guests should give to charity (like being too overt with the registry, it's seen as assuming and directing people's generosity) however, there's nothing wrong with communicating to your family members and bridal party that you and the Mr feel that you have everything you need but that you have a couple of favourite charities. It's then up to the guests to decide what to do with that information.

Batmom is correct on Miss Manners’ stance. I think it’s mostly because people put these things on the invitations, which is tacky.

Oh, and I hate that etiquette says that by receiving a wedding invitation, you are still pretty much obligated to give a gift even if you don't plan to go. I feel that people sometimes take advantage of that and send an invitation knowing full well you can't go, just so you'll send a gift.

I (and Miss Manners) say that if it’s someone whose wedding you would want to go to if you could, that’s one thing. Non-close coworkers and acquaintances are another matter entirely. BTW, Miss Manners says a congratulatory note is perfectly acceptable as a gift.

[Oxynia]

I (and Miss Manners) say that if it’s someone whose wedding you would want to go to if you could, that’s one thing. Non-close coworkers and acquaintances are another matter entirely. BTW, Miss Manners says a congratulatory note is perfectly acceptable as a gift.

I'm relieved to hear that because I was invited to a not-so-close colleague's wedding this summer and we didn't go. I thought we needed to buy something anyway but Mr. Oxynia just said we should send a nice card. Which we did...through the regular post (not inter-office mail, my manners aren't completely lacking!). I'm glad Miss Manners doesn't think we are complete cheapskates.

[Auroranorth]

oxynia said:

I (and Miss Manners) say that if it’s someone whose wedding you would want to go to if you could, that’s one thing. Non-close coworkers and acquaintances are another matter entirely. BTW, Miss Manners says a congratulatory note is perfectly acceptable as a gift.

I'm relieved to hear that because I was invited to a not-so-close colleague's wedding this summer and we didn't go. I thought we needed to buy something anyway but Mr. Oxynia just said we should send a nice card. Which we did...through the regular post (not inter-office mail, my manners aren't completely lacking!). I'm glad Miss Manners doesn't think we are complete cheapskates.

Miss Manners disapproves of office socializing in general ("business entertaining," which is neither businesslike nor entertaining.) Not the occasional fun thing, but the constant stream of monetary demands. A nice congratulations card or note is fine. If they complain, that tells you something about their priorities right there.