Jokes and Humor

[Deleted]

For some Friday afternoon fun, check out this site about guys that get cramps just like women - it's a series of videos that look like spoofs...I was watching the "study" videos and couldn't stop laughing - my favorite BY FAR is Irv...totally hilar.

[stephanie]

A commuter was on his way home from work one day and when he hit the freeway he noticed a tremendous amount of traffic, even moreso than usual. There were cars backed up for several miles. The commuter notices a guy walking down the shoulder. As the guy approaches his passenger side the commuter rolls down the passenger side window and asks the guy if he knew what was causing all the back up. The guy replied:

It was just announced over the radio that terrorists were holding George Bush and Dick Cheney hostage. He went on to explain that they were demanding 200 million dollars for their release, otherwise they were going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. The commuter asked what everyone else was donating.

The guy replied:

So far the everybody had pledged at least one gallon.

[glitterbug]

Tampax have brought out a new limited-edition tampon with tinsel instead of string. It's been brought out for the festive period.

[PearlySweetcake]

Buy a box for the Princess Sparklefuck in your world!

[Jcruz]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

«Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.»

«You foul-mouthed swine!» retorted the lady indignantly. «In this country we do not talk about our sex lives in public!»

«Hey, coola down lady», said the man. «Who talking abouta sexa? I am a justa telling my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'».

[thvar]

This is one of my favourite jokes ever (and my debut in this thread )

A missionary is sent to the jungles of Africa, to work with a primitive tribe. He spends many years with them, teaching them to read, to write, and most of all the evils of sexual sins. He particularly stresses the evils of fornication and adultery. Then one day, the wife of the tribal chief gives birth - to a white child! The Chief didn't just fall off the turnip truck, so he knows what's up. He rushes off to confront the missionary.
"You teach us the evils of these sins, yet a black woman gives birth to a white child - and you are the only white man to ever set foot in our tribe! I know what's going on!"
"No, no, good man", says the missionary, "what has happened is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look into the field - see the field full of white sheep, yet among them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The Chief pauses for a moment, and then says:
"I'll make you a deal - you don't mention the sheep, I won't mention the kid."

[bklynred]

Good one, jcruz.

[ratscabies]

Johnny's Dirty Mouth


A kindergarten teacher is in front of her class. It's Parents Day, and all the parents are observing the class. To show how smart the kids are, the teacher has come up with an alphabet exercise. She is going to call out a letter, and ask the students to give her a word that starts with that letter. She is a bit worried about Johnny, however, since he has an extremely filthy mouth.

"Who can give me a word that starts with the letter 'A'?"

Johnny jumps out of his seat and raises his hand. The teacher thinks to herself, "Johhny will probably say 'asshole', so I shouldn't call on him." She calls on Mary instead.

"Apple!" Mary says.

"Very good, Mary. How about 'B'?"

Johnny' s up again. The teacher assumes he'll say "bitch" and calls on Timmy.

"Baseball!" says Timmy.

"Excellent! Who knows a C word?"

Johnny is apoplectic, standing on his chair, waving his hand. There is NO WAY in HELL the teacher is calling on Johnny for "C"!

Bobby supplies "cranberry", and things progress through the alphabet. The teacher is getting nervous, because she keeps ignoring Johnny, and his parents are getting suspicious. It's just that she is sure he will have a filthy word for every letter.

Eventually they get to the letter "R", and the teacher can't think of a dirty word that begins with "R", so she finally calls on Johnny.

Johnny triumphantly stands up and says "Rat!"

The teacher is stunned. She says, "That's your word? Rat?"

Johnny, holding his hands aboout 18 inches apart says, "Yeah, a big fuckin' rat with a dick like THIS!"




I love that joke so much, if someone just says "A big fuckin' rat" to me I will laugh.

I once had a friend absolutely kill me with this one (competely deadpan of course):

Q: Why did the 5th monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

See? You expect escalation in the monkey joke at that point, and he nails me by going back to the beginning. He told me the first monkey joke our freshman year, and they'd get trotted out periodically. I swear, I thought I invented "peer pressure" when we were seniors. Either it was funnier than I thought, or I picked it up somewhere without realizing it, which is more likely, I guess....

[grumpygirl]

CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL

(supposedly) This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a Recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now we know why they record these conversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your scre en look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer."

[aims]

A lady walked into a veterinary clinic one day carrying a very limp little duck. She put the duck on the table and asked, "What's wrong with my him?".
The vet briefly looked at the duck and said "I'm sorry but your duck is dead".
The lady said "How can this be? You barely even looked at him ! You didn't run any tests or anything! I want another opinion!".

Then vet looked at the lady and said "very well" and walked out of the room. A minute later he returns with a Labrador Retriever dog. The dog jumped on the table, sniffed the duck from head to tail, then looked at the vet and sadly shook his head. Then the vet left again , this time returning with a cat. The cat did likewise. He jumped on the table, sniffed the duck, sadly shook his head and walked out.
So the vet asked the lady "So now what do you think?".
She replied, "Well I guess after all that my duck really is dead".

Then the vet handed her the bill. The lady was shocked "How can you charge me this much to tell me that my duck is dead!".
"Well", the vet said, "If you would have just stopped at my examination it would have only come to $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the bill came to $200".