Jokes and Humor

[india7]

Heee!! Very cute!

[Deleted]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[PearlySweetcake]

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania late one night when suddenly a vampire leaps onto the windshield of their car. The younger nun says to the Mother Superior, "Oh Mother, what shall we do?" The older nun says, "Turn on the windshield wipers." She does, but the vampire doesn't budge. The younger nun says, "It's not working, Mother!" The Mother Superior says, "Use the windshield washer. I have filled it with holy water." The younger nun sprays the windshield with the holy water. The vampire hisses but doesn't move. "Oh Mother," cries the younger nun, "What shall we do now?" The Mother Superior replies, "Show him your cross!" So the nun rolls down the window and screams, "Get the fuck off the car!"

[grumpygirl]

As seen on the Pets thread:

Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary

Dog's Diary entries....
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrat es what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am . The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

[fairfox]

So the other day I took a friend's little 5 year old brother to the zoo. As soon as we arrived I realised there were no other people there, no attendants and almost no animals. In fact there was only one cage - and it only had a dog in it.

It was a schitzu.

[dermil]

Ok, my two favorite stupid jokes:

Q: If two potatoes are sitting on a fence, how can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: The one with the tag that says I-DA-HO

A bear and bunny are taking a dump in the forest.

The bear leans over and asks the bunny "does shit stick to your fur?"

"No it doesn't" says the bunny.

So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

Don't know why I find this one so funny, must be the visual.

[groovethang]

The Letter:

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

[Deleted]

fairfox said:

It was a schitzu.

*snicker*

One of my favorites, which probably says something about me:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

[divasahm]

That reminds me of my favorite riddle--

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

[PearlySweetcake]

This is for all the Greecies in the Pregnancy thread.

A married couple went to the hospital have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.




When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.