Jokes and Humor

[jennipoo]

This just got sent to nearly everyone on my email list.

[Deleted]

From The Lady Bunny:

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures.
The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

"How did you end up with a peg leg?" he asks.

"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks," the pirate replies. "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off my leg."

"Wow!" cries the sailor. "What about your hook?"

"Argh! An enemy hacked off my hand during a raid."

"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull pooped in my eye."

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?"

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[Deleted]

Annual Stella Lawsuit Awards

One can only hope that it is indeed ......
Only in the USA

The Annual Stella Lawsuit Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Lawsuit Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case Inspired the Stella Lawsuit Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, stupid, but successful lawsuits in the United States .

Here are this year's winners.......

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000, by a jury of her peers, after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's own son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the car's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion, this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd place!

4th Place :
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place :
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place :
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place :
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other total morons around.

[WitchyPoo]

In a perfect world they all would have perished during the events and ended up winning the Darwin Award.

[laconicchick]

witchypoo said:

In a perfect world they all would have perished during the events and ended up winning the Darwin Award.

Well, fortunately, none of them actually happened. And for what it's worth, the McDonald's coffee case was actually legitimate, since the coffee caused third degree burns.

[WitchyPoo]

Man, I feel like I should enter myself in the Darwin Awards now.

[Deleted]

I know, but the Winnegabo one could have happened (with my mom - shhh.)

:-)

ETA:

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

[jennipoo]

Grandma's boyfriend


A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while
Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy
with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV,
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open
the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home..?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted……….

[aims]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a
little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,

"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said,

"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head

out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine,
"Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

[Deleted]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."