Jokes and Humor

[Deleted]

I love those groaners.

Unsuspecting wife: "It looks beautiful out this morning!"

Husband who's been exposing himself behind her: "Well, then, I think I'll leave it out all day."

[LAX]

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
the University of Chicago. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He
got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly p ut down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off t he ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[marywebgirl]

Did some fucker from the University of Chicago start that one?

[LAX]

marywebgirl said:

Did some fucker from the University of Chicago start that one?

huh?

[marywebgirl]

The dimwit in the story went to Northwestern and there's a bit of a rivalry between the two schools. They think NU students are a bunch of beer-guzzling yahoos and NU students think UofC students are boring dorks. I'm not actually mad about it; I should have put a winky icon with it.

[LAX]

I just cut and paste the joke from an email someone sent me. I didn't even notice they mentioned which school he went to. I can see how that might cause some offense. I'll be sure to fix it.

Joke of the Day:

Snow White, Tiny Tim and Grendel were hanging out together.
Snow White says, "I'm the fairest in the land"
Tom Thumb says, "I'm the smallest person in the land"
Grendel says, "I'm the most disgusting person in the land"

They all agree they need official recognition so they go the the Guiness Book of World Records to have their claims confirmed.

Snow White came out of the Guiness offices with a big smile "They confirmed it, I am the fairest in the land"

Tom Thumb came out of the Guiness offices with an equally big smile, "They confirmed that I, indeed, am the smallest person in the land"

Grendel came out of the offices with a big scowl on his face. He is clearly not happy. "Who the fuck is Ann Coulter!" he says.

[tinyshoes]

Q: How does a guy from Arkansas know when his mom's on her period?

A: His brother's dick tastes funny.

Disclaimer: Before y'all flame me, I have fambly (albeit distant) in AK, so I can tell this joke.

[PearlySweetcake]

(A little gem I unearthed from my old email inbox, from about five years ago.....)



This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The hour was late and no cars went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking about it gets in the car and closes the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. In terror, he watches when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence envelopes the crowd when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't
drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walk in the same cantina and one says to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."

[tinyshoes]

^^Too funny. Here's another one...

Q: Why don't Southern Baptists believe in sex before marriage?
A: It might lead to dancing.

[PearlySweetcake]

Hee hee! Too true.

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This story will make you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any fucking drywall that's worth a shit."