Jokes and Humor

[glitterbug]

I can tell I'm going to worship and adore this thread.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A man took his dog to the vet for a check-up. The vet picked up the dog, gave him a thorough examination, then turned to the owner and said, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put your dog down." Horrified, the owner cried, "Why?" The vet replied, "He's just really heavy."

And finally: one for Kafka...

A bear walked into a bar and said, "I'd like a pineapple juice and a .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................packet of dry roasted peanuts please. The barman said, "Why the big pause?"

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Probably.

[sleepy]

Ah, thanks Aims!

Here's my cheesy contribution:

Q: What are 40 rabbits marching in a row backwards?

A: A receding hareline.

Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

[india7]

Is it the Joke Thread or the Too Much Information Thread? Only YOU can decide!:

A little Dachsund and a big huge Great Dane were in the vet's office.

The Great Dane looks at the Dachsund and says, "Hey little man. What are you in for?"

The Dachsund says, "Eh, you know how it is. I've been humping my peoples' legs a bit too much lately and they're tired of it. So, they've sent me in to get my balls snipped!"

The big Great Dane says, "Oh, I know how you feel. The other night, my mistress came out of the shower, and dropped her towel. She bent over to pick it up and I just got one look at her, and... and I just couldn't help myself! I climbed up on her and just started going at it!"

The little Dachsund says, "Oh wow! So you're in for the same thing too, huh?"

The Great Dane says, "Naww, just to get my nails trimmed."

[kostgard]

Okay - blonde joke.


A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting room of an OB-GYN. All three are pregnant and the blonde is eavesdropping as the brunette and the redhead are discussing the theory that the sexual position you are in when you get pregnant determines the gender of your child.

The brunette says, "Well, I was on the bottom, so that means I'm having a boy."

The redhead says, "I was on top, so that means I'm going to have a girl."

Suddenly the blonde starts sobbing hysterically. The two other women look over at her in alarm and ask her what is wrong.

The blonde manages to choke out through her tears, "I'm...I'm having puppies!!!"

[topher]

Kostgard , I love that joke.

[Oxynia]

My joke's a wee bit long but iMHO, I think it's worth it....

Dubya has a massive heart attack in the Oval Office and drops dead.

(No wait, there's more!)

He awakes to find himself at the entrance to Hell, where he is met by the Devil himself.

"Well, well" says the Devil. "We've been waiting for you! No-one deserves to be here more than you but we seem to have a bit of a problem. We have no room for you. But here's what we're going to do...I have three people here who weren't nearly as bad as you so I'm willing to let one of them free. I'll even let you choose the person, but choose wisely because you will inherit whatever punishment they were sentenced to for all eternity."

Bush agrees, and the Devil leads him to the first room and opens the door. Inside is a massive yard filled with giant boulders. Ronald Reagan stands in the middle of the room swinging an enormous pick-axe, breaking the boulders down into smaller and smaller rocks. Over and over and over again he swings the giant axe, breaking down rocks with no rest, for all eternity.

Bush thinks to himself "aw nuts, I love this guy, he's my hero! I would give anything to set him free but I couldn't swing that axe forever, not with my bad shoulder."

So he says to the Devil, "No, sorry, I can't do this one."

Devil says "fine" and takes him to another room where there is a giant swimming pool the length of ten Olympic pools. In the middle of the pool is Richard Nixon, swimming back and forth endlessly, lap after lap after lap without stopping, for all eternity.

Bush thinks to himself "aw damn, this guy deserves a break. He got treated very unfairly when he was alive. I would love to set him free but it's too bad I never learned how to swim."

So he says to the Devil, "No, sorry, I can't do this one either, but you're doing a heckuva job, Devvie. What else have you got?"

Devil says "fine" and leads him to the third and final room in which there is a big, plush oversized bed on which Bill Clinton lies, naked and spread-eagled. Leaning over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing that thing she is most famous for doing.

Bush thinks to himself "shit, I hate this guy!! I hate the idea of setting him free! But I have to admit, out of everything I've seen here, his punishment doesn't look too bad."

So he says to the Devil, "OK Devil, I'll take this one."



Devil says "Fine...Monica, you're free to go." ;D ;D ;D

[india7]

BWAAHAA!!!

Italian joke time! (I'm full-blooded Italian, so I'm allowed!)

Q: What caused the great New York City blackout of 1977?

A: Five Italians hooking up a doorbell.

[Benni]

I loved the bull one.

50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

Not to worry," said the dad..."the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad.
Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."


"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."



After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.


You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."


The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"



"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

[dwanollah]

A horse walks into a bar - the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

This is one of my favorite ones! I used it several years back as "John Kerry walks into a bar...."

My all time favorite joke, though?



What do you call a fish without eyes?




FSH.

[Deleted]

This one is pretty stupid. I hope I'm not the only one who finds it funny!

Three hungry burglars break into a warehouse, which stores food. The security guard hears them, and they only have a minute to hide. Each one of them crawls inside a potato sack. The security guard enters the room. After looking around he concludes that they must be hiding in the potato sacks.

He kicks the first sack. "Ruff! Ruff!" says the sack. "It's only a stupid dog." thinks the guard and he moves on.

He kicks the second sack. "Meow!" says the sack. "It's only a stupid cat." thinks the guard and he moves on.

He kicks the final sack. "Potato!" says the sack.