Jokes and Humor

[PearlySweetcake]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

[ladymadonna]

Why did Michael Jackson rush over to KMart last weekend?


He heard that boy's pants were half-off.

[Deleted]

Ok here is a couple that I found pretty funny today:
$1000 Tattoo
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."
Doctor's visit
An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's office to have there yearly exam done. The doctor came in and started to get some information from them. He then told the old man that he needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample.
The old man turned to the old lady and asked, 'what'd he said?'

She looked at him and said, 'he needs a pair of your underwear.'

Wedding Cake
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."”



And finally somthing that was forwarded to me, Diary of a Cat:


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[sleepy]

Pearly, that is one of my all-time favorites. I love that one.

[PearlySweetcake]

Sleepy, coming from someone who uses a Dorothy Parker quote as a sig. line, that is indeed high praise.

[india7]

The Doctors visit was hilarious, Limey!

[WitchyPoo]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

stupid, but it kills me everytime

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Four nuns are at the gates of heaven waiting for Peter to let them in.

Peter asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"
First nun answers, "Yes. Once. With my finger."
Peter says, "Please dip your finger in the Holy Water and enter."

Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"
Second nun answers, "Yes. Once. With my hand."
Peter says, "Please dip your hand in the Holy Water and enter.

At this point the fourth nun pushes aside the third nun and says to Peter, "If you think I'm going to drink out of that after she puts her ass in it, you're crazy!"

[PearlySweetcake]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

[PearlySweetcake]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice all day?

Polarroids.

[Deleted]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

**********

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.