Jokes and Humor

[PearlySweetcake]

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

[Carolinian]

Puberty is defined as a hair-raising experience.

That joke was submitted by a junior-high classmate of mine and published in Playboy. You would not believe the stockpile of cool he got--- I think it lasted through high school.

[india7]

pearlysweetcake said:

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

Years and years ago, when my best friend Kerrin and I were roommates in Brooklyn, I was trying, at that time to break into singing and stand-up comedy, like every other person in NY.

So one evening, Kerrin comes home from work and says, "So and So at work told the DUMBEST joke today, and then got all snotty with me because I didn't laugh. I said to him, 'My roommate is trying to break into stand up comedy, and I'll bet SHE won't think it's funny!' So now I have to tell you this dumb joke and PROVE to them that it's not funny when you don't laugh at it."

I go, "Okay, go ahead."

Kerrin - "Why didn't the cannibal want to eat the clown?"

Me - "Why?"

Kerrin - "Because he was afraid he'd taste funny".

Well, you know what happened next, don't you? I cracked up laughing till I almost fell over! The best part was the look on Kerrin's face! She had her arms crossed and this look of "There! Told you it was dumb!" on her face. When I started laughing my ass off, the look changed to utter "Holy shit! You're laughing!" Just total shocked horror!

So not only did she have to report back to them the next day that her roommate the aspiring comedian DID think the joke was funny, but she had to listen to me giggling my head off intermittently all night long!

"Heeee....heeeeee heeeee heee!!! Thought he'd taste funny!"

"Oh, shut the hell up!"

[PearlySweetcake]

See india7, it takes someone with a true love of skewed humor to appreciate the joke. I once told that joke on the air, back in my radio show days, and the two deejays preceding me never let me forget it. Totally mocked me on-air for the next three months.

***********

A few from the Master, Emo Philips:

Some mornings, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through those leather straps.

My nephew's computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

I told my girlfriend, "You gave me a rash." She said, "So put something on it." I said, "Ok, ten bucks says it was you."

********

[huntergrayson]

Since that makes for a good transition -- my friend told me this one, which isn't really a joke so much as a funny saying:

"If my lawn were emo*, it'd cut itself."

*the angsty kind, not Philips.

[glitterbug]

What did the polar bear order in McDonald's?

A BrrrGrrr.

[PearlySweetcake]

huntergrayson, I've been laughing about your "emo" joke all day. May I use it for my sig. line?

************

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

*************

[heavenleigh2001]

Here are some blonde jokes

How Blonde was she?

She was Sooooooo Blonde...



* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says, "Sign here:" she wrote,
"Sagittarius."


* She was Sooooooooooooo Blonde...


* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put, "Hooked On Phonics."


She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...


* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
"Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of, "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


She was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...



* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"

she turned around and went home.



She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...


* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around your home, she moved

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said, "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
In Front."


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She was Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...



* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[glitterbug]

Three blondes were walking in the forest when they came across some tracks.
The first blonde said "Those are bear tracks".
The second blonde said "No you moron, those are deer tracks".
The third blonde said "Don't be stupid, those are rabbit tracks".

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Deleted]

batmom said:

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the second monkey.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.