Jokes and Humor

[india7]

pearlysweetcake said:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Hee! I have a similar one, but it's at the opposite end of the spectrum....

An old man and an old woman are in a nursing home. The old man says to the old woman, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am!"

The old woman says, "Okay!", and reaches down his pants. She fondles his left testicle. She bounces the right one up and down in her hand, and she flips his weenie up and down a couple of times.

She pulls her hand out of his pants and announces, "You're 86."

He says, "That's amazing! From all that, how were you able to figure out that I'm 86?"

The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"

[Oxynia]

Thanks, India, for that lovely mental image of 86-year-old weenie. ick....

[nadia]

My most favorite joke ever:

What are orange and sound like parrots?



Carrots.

[PearlySweetcake]

Carrots. Hee.

India7, I've just printed that 86-year-old weenie joke to mail to my 85-year-old grandmother, who still has a wonderfully ribald sense of humor.

*************

A Marine's letter home

Dear Ma & Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & Ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

[WitchyPoo]

I'm trying to remember a joke about mayonnaise and a ship. Anyone? Beuller?

[PearlySweetcake]

I remember the arm punch you gave me when I told that joke, WitchyPoo. ;D

Okay, by special request, here's the joke.

***********

Hellmann's mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....

****************

[swanflake]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive
disorder
4. Oily Linoleum

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[india7]

oxynia said:

Thanks, India, for that lovely mental image of 86-year-old weenie. ick....

Yeah.... my Mom told me that joke...

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

BWAAAHAAAA!!!

[MrsCatHead]

Pearly, that's a good one! I love when you get to the end and it's a girl! Awesome!

[magmat10]

Told this joke as a 6-year old at the family dinner table (strict Catholic family, many older siblings...you get the point)

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

Parents weren't too happy, but older siblings thought I was their hero that day. ;D