Jokes and Humor

[mugatu]

Since you all appreciate the corny but fun jokes...

A ghost walks into a bar
The bartender says- Sorry, we don't serve spirits.

[india7]

basteroad said:

Told this joke as a 6-year old at the family dinner table (strict Catholic family, many older siblings...you get the point)

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

Parents weren't too happy, but older siblings thought I was their hero that day. ;D

Heeeeeeeeeee!!! And yes, what makes it more awesome is that you were 6 and your family's Catholic!

Got one for you, should you ever decide to travel backwards in time and mortify your family as a small child at the dinner table again:

What kind of meat do priests eat on Fridays?

Nun (None).

[jennipoo]

Did you hear about the woman with boobs on her back?

She wasn't much to look at but a hell of a lot of fun to dance with.

[incognito]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Pomeranian: Yippee, this'll be fun! I'll just round up a few dozen of my closest friends and we'll do the old canine pyramid so we can reach the lamp. We'll have it done in no time, and then it's time for kisses!

American Eskimo Dog: For you, I'll try anything, but can't we just play catch while the sun shines?

Keeshond: I'll be happy to do it just as soon as I've kissed everyone thoroughly so they won't be afraid of the dark.

Eurasier: Forget that dumb old light bulb! It's not even dark right now; besides, I'll protect the family in the dark.

German Spitz: Just give me a boost and I can do it all by myself!

Jack Russel Terrier: I'll just pop it in while bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Fox Terrier: That's so boring--wouldn't you like to see a really interesting trick?

Bull Terrier: Oops, sure was a delicate thing, wasn't it? Tastes good, though!

English Shepherd: Already done. I installed a ceiling fan while I was up there.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Whippet: Throw it for me, throw it for me! Bet I can kill it before it hits the ground!

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachsund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! When are you going to stop making cracks about my height?

Rottweiler: Make me.

Doberman: Yeah. What the Rottweiler said. Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Afghan Hound: Please! And muss my hair?

Labrador Retriever: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Oops, gotta run!

Chihuahua: Light bulb? We don't need no stinkin' light bulb. How many times I gotta tell ya? Yo quiero Taco Bulb!

Collie: I have to drop a rope down the well to Timmy right now, but then I'll bring you an oil lamp to use til I can make an electrician understand that I need him to follow me home.

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll get all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Siberian Husky: Just pop it in the back of the sled. I'll get on it as soon as I've done everything I want to do first.

And finally, how many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cat: Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is, "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

Which once again proves that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

[maxell1313]

Another Pirate joke!

Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A: A buccaneer!

[hamhock]

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart .... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[hotransom]

A molecule walks into a bar and say 'Man, I think I dropped an electron outside'.
His friend, 'Are you sure?'
Molecule, 'Yeah, I'm positive.'

[aims]

A woman was out on a golf course when this man came up to her and asked what hole she was on. Well she was a bit confused but she answered "Well, sir, I'm on hole 7 so you are one behind me, you are on hole 6". So he went away kept golfing. As they both continued golfing this man came up to her again and said "Excuse me miss, I'm sorry to bother you but what hole am I on again?"....So she said yet again "I am on hole 14 so you are one behind me and on hole 13".

Later at the club house this man sees the woman sitting there having lunch and feeling badly he decided to go over and buy her lunch. He says "miss I'm sorry for bothering you so much today may I buy you lunch". So they sit and talk and he asks her what what she does for a living and she says "I'm a tampon saleswoman, what do you do?" well this guy just cracks(pun ;D) up laughing saying "I sell hemorrhoid creams! I'm still a hold behind you !"

[Deleted]

Please don't kick me out for this:

A guy is sitting in a bar alone and spots a really sexy woman, also sitting alone. He says to the bartender, "Hey, see that douche-bag over there? Send her whatever she's drinking and tell her it's from me."

The bartender glares at him and says, "I'm not going to do that unless you ask nicely."

A few minutes later, the guy gets the bartender's attention and says, "Look, come on, send the douche-bag a drink from me!" Once again the bartender refuses.

Eventually the guy says to the bartender, "Look, send her a drink! I really want to meet that douche-bag!" The bartender says, "Once and for all, I won't do it if you don't clean up your language."

So, the guy sighs and finally says, "Okay, can you send that lovely lady whatever she's drinking and tell her it's from me?"

The bartender goes over to the woman and says, "The gentleman over there wants to buy you a drink. What would you like?"

The woman smiles and says, "I'll have a vinegar and water!"

[cyclonevkc]

My priest in my hometown has good jokes. This one may be my favorite of his.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting cow w--"

"MOO!"


It's funnier when spoken, really.