Jokes and Humor

[Deleted]

Of course. ;D
If once I get something this exclusive, I just have to flaunt it. Sorry, I will go back to lurking again. Apologies to everybody.

[india7]

Awww, don't lurk! You're the only one here who backed me up on a totally tasteless Challenger joke! And since I'm tastelessly on a roll....

What's NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

[ennui]

An officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep you mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[woopdedoo]

Ahhh, these are all great. To get myself back into posting mode after many months of lurking (real life can be such a drag, people) here is my favorite joke of all time...although it kinda only works as a spoken thing...but you get the idea.



Q: Guess what I heard?




A: Sheep.

[glitterbug]

I don't geddit... oh no, wait! Okay, I'm there. [/Irish]

[topher]

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer, Alberta,
when
>one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
>Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under
the
>dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A
>reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview
>the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend >From Vicious Animal" he starts
>writing in his book.
>"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies. "Sorry, but as we are
>in Alberta, I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts
>writing again.
>"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his
> notebook.
>"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says
>"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or
> the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
>"I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies.
>The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: "Little
>Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet"

[laconicchick]

Viscous animal?

[Brookie]

Yes, viscous. The animal was very very thick. And sticky.

Right, Topher

[deadduck]

And slow as molasses, clearly.

(oops first post in like a month, and now Topher gonna kill me..ah well not like I am not used to it.)

[topher]

Bite Me. I just copied and pasted it from a Red Wings' Site. And now, I am surprised that a Canucks fan can read.