The Etiquette Thread

[anne]

I think it's high time for single men to discover etiquette! I've gone on a couple of dates with a guy who I'm confident does not know the first thing about good behavior. He really threw me off guard on our first date when he grabbed my bread plate from in front of me and started throwing all the stuff he didn't want on his steak on to it ... only asking me if I was going to use the plate after it was covered in onions. For whatever reason, I went out with him again this past weekend. I thought he was proving to be rather clueless when the waitress had to move his glass, utensils, etc over away from me in order to make space for my dinner to be put down (he'd basically taken over the table) But he hit the worst when he lost his napkin, so he just grabbed the napkin out of the bread basket! not only was it full of crumbs, but it pretty much settled that i would not be having any more bread that evening! Oh, and forget about worrying about elbows on the table - he actually eats with his elbow in his lap! I've been telling some of my friends about his lack of any social graces, and they think I'm making it up!

[sleepy]

Anne, are you kidding me about the breadbasket incidents??? That is just too much! I'm sorry, I'd offer some advice but I'm too busy crying with laughter.

[Auroranorth]

batmom said:

How do I evade - um, not discuss my dislikes of the show and not alienate them without blatantly lying through my teeth?

Try to find something that you genuinely did like (think hard), but otherwise stick to generalities. "It was a unique production. I especially liked the way the costume designer used red shoelaces. It's details like that that really set your production apart." Or something like that.

Miss Manners had something on this which I'll try and dig out.

[marywebgirl]

I think it's high time for single men to discover etiquette!

Seriously. I bought a baby gift for a friend of ours from college and my husband was almost getting angry because he didn't understand why we had to get them a gift. I just know none of the other guys in the group of friends acknowledged the birth of this child with so much as a card.

[Deleted]

Which is better etiquette: to avoid the subject entirely, even if it means giving vague responses to my friends (and then risk being seen as a two-face), or being nonchalant about mentioning that I spent the afternoon with so-and-so (and then risk being seen as insensitive)?

sleepy, there is no way that you're going to please everyone. Don't bother going to ridiculous lengths to justify your friendships. I would go with option B; if it comes up, say "I hung out with Friend A today" and drop it. If the other friends have a problem with it, that is their problem.

anne, I wouldn't go out with him ever again! If he is that clueless about good social graces at the dinner table, I can imagine what he's like in all other areas of his life. You don't need anybody like that in your life!

[zivvie]

sleepy, the friends who don't get along need to figure out how to negotiate social situations on their own. Stardancer is right; it really isn't your problem, and you shouldn't feel like you have to be secretive about your friendships to keep from hurting or angering the other friends.

anne: Wow. Just...wow. What a rude slob. His behavior reminds me of an ex of mine who used to love to order mussels at a restaurant, and ignore the nice little fork they give you to use to eat the mussels. He thought eating them with his fingers, then licking his fingers, was appropriate behavior. Who needs napkins?

[anne]

zivvie said:

anne: Wow. Just...wow. What a rude slob. His behavior reminds me of an ex of mine who used to love to order mussels at a restaurant, and ignore the nice little fork they give you to use to eat the mussels. He thought eating them with his fingers, then licking his fingers, was appropriate behavior. Who needs napkins?

Apparently, everyone. That's why they give you extras when they bring the bread.

[Auroranorth]

auroranorth said:

batmom said:

Try to find something that you genuinely did like (think hard), but otherwise stick to generalities. "It was a unique production. I especially liked the way the costume designer used red shoelaces. It's details like that that really set your production apart." Or something like that.

Miss Manners had something on this which I'll try and dig out.

According to Miss Manners, "Bubbling enthusiasm is appropriate for both good and poor performances. Music teachers and music critics exist for a reason." Since you may have to work with these people in the future, talk about their "great energy!" and how "your enthusiasm for the script shone through!" Let other people criticize.

[batmom]

Miss Manners addresses the many uses of silence to address inapporpriate questions in her most recent column. She brings it up in the context of inappropriate questions about children, but really, silence is a brilliant response to any type of inappropriate question:

You may not have known that there is a whole vocabulary of silences, but there is.

For dumb remarks and questions, such as the ones about red hair or the lack of resemblance, the silence comes with a tired smile. Only the lips move, and not to the extent that the cheeks also move. The notion to convey is that having discharged an utterance that is not worth commenting upon, the other person is now expected to say something sensible.

Nasty questions about how a child was conceived or adopted should meet another type of silence. The face should not move from a stare that demonstrates unwillingness to believe that anyone would say such a thing. It is the feet that move after the barest of excuses. To be quizzed about such personal matters is insulting, and people who do it do not deserve to be tolerated, much less answered.

Just wanted to share.

[zivvie]

So here's a question: I met a wonderful person last year who has been very good to me. He's had trouble with depression for a number of years and had a really nasty divorce six years ago, so he has some sadness when it comes to relationships. We were involved up until a couple of weeks ago. He said that there wasn't anyone else, that he loves me and doesn't want me out of his life, but he just feels emotionally empty inside. This hit me very hard, and I've been really, really sad. Because there are a lot of parties and get-togethers coming up in the next couple of months, I have to inform a lot of friends that he and I are no longer together as a couple. This is going to be really hard, because A), it's not like he's left me for another person and he never wants to see me again, B) everyone who's seen us together, particularly his friends, has commented on how happy he's been with me, and C) it makes me sad to talk about it.

So: what's the best way to explain the situation gracefully?