The Etiquette Thread

[Daisy Pusher]

That's a tough one, zivvie.

It's always difficult navigating the break-up waters anyway, but it's really exacerbated by the holiday season and all the attendant social events.

Ceratinly you may want to give your closest friends a heads-up, but one way to handle it at parties, etc, might be, if someone asks, "Hey, where's X?" or "How's X doing?," to simply smile and say something very short and simple, for example, "Oh, we've run out of steam and called it a day" and then smilingly change the subject. It's no-one's business but yours.

Hang in there.

[anne]

I agree with kokopelli. When it makes sense, for your own sanity, you should probably try to let people know what is going on before the parties. It'll make it easier for you to not have to deal with the topic at a setting like a party. For the people who you can't talk to before the event(s) - a simple "We're no longer together" is all that needs to be said if they bring him up. If they're not close enough to you to already know that, then the basic information should suffice. If it isn't and they ask more probing questions, they are the rude ones, and it's not rude at all for you to simply say you don't want to get into it. It's easy to get anxious in worrying about what will be said to you in a situation like that. Hopefully the anxiety of it will be the worst of it, and you'll be pleasantly surprised by the good etiquette of those people you're worried about running in to!

[zivvie]

Thanks; I just hate the thought of having to explain it every single time. Maybe it's time for one of those bad holiday Xeroxed newsletters to spread the news! Kidding.

[zivvie]

So here's another etiquette dilemma. I mentioned this on another board to which I post, as well as to some IRL folks, and all of them say I have every right to be peeved (etiquette-ly and otherwise!)

I'm friends with a couple, Jack and Jill, who I met through mutual friends. J&J like to cook and to have people over for dinner parties. I ran into them almost two weeks ago, and they invited me to a dinner party for this Friday the 18th. This one really nice couple, A&B, travel a lot and the 18th would be one of the rare times when they could both be in town for a dinner party. J&J said it would be great for all of us to spend time together, and I told J&J I would be happy to come to the party. I usually work Friday evenings til 10-10:30, so I figured I would switch shifts with someone (Friday nights meaning an average of $100 for five hours worth of waiting tables). I was able to get someone to cover my shift, but not exchange it for another one. Anyway, one of our mutual friends had people over last Saturday night, and, as I was working, I arrived at about 11 PM. Jack and Jill were there, and left at about midnight. Before they left, I said the usual goodbye niceties and ended with, "If I don't see you before then, I'll see you Friday", to which they both replied, "Yes, Friday!" The next day, Sunday, I was watching the Bears game with some friends and ran into Jack and Jill (I usually don't see them this often). When the game was over and I was getting ready to leave, I said goodbye to them and said something like, "I'll see you Friday". Jill then said: "Oh, we made a mistake. We're going to have tapas with A&B on Friday night. But we're having (some people unknown to me) over for dinner on Saturday. I guess, well...if you want to come over then, that's okay." I sensed some issue on J&J's part, and asked what happened to Friday, since they had made it very clear that that was the good date for everyone involved. Jill said, "Oh, Jack just got his dates mixed up. He shouldn't make dinner arrangements when he's drunk, hahahaha." I said that I originally was scheduled to work that Friday, and I got someone to cover my shift, but I would see if I could just get the shift back. I was hoping to make them see, in a slightly pointed way, that I changed my schedule around to make their party, and that their flakiness inconvenienced me somewhat. They didn't see it.

So I'm feeling a bit out of sorts about a few things. One: Why, if the point of the dinner party was to spend time with A&B, wouldn't Jack & Jill invite me (and whoever else) to join them at tapas? Two: I didn't know that Jack was drunk when he invited me. He didn't seem drunk, but now I wonder if I'm going to have to imagine that everything he says has to be couched in terms of "he might be drunk so he can't be held responsible for what he says". I think this is ridiculous. Three: I don't know who these people are who are invited for dinner on Saturday, I don't know why I would be included, and I feel like my invitation to J&J's home on Saturday night is just kind of weak and an afterthought, and I'm not too inclined to go. Four: I rearranged my schedule given their very specific invitation. If I hadn't seen J&J on Sunday, I would have shown up at their place on Friday and no one would have been home.

Am I right to be peeved, or am I just too damn sensitive?

[sleepy]

Zivvie, I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. I would be royally peeved, especially since you are going to lose some income as a result of their thoughtlessness. I'm sorry. I don't know how to handle it, though. Just wanted to offer my support.

[zivvie]

Thanks, Sleepy. I was able to get the shift back (because I work with some of the nicest people evah!). I still think even if the lost income hadn't been a factor, Jack & Jill's behavior still would have been offending. I also think that tomorrow will magically turn into the only night I can see a friend of mine in a play, so I won't be able to go to Jack & Jill's for dinner. Awww.... /sarcasm.

[anne]

Glad you got the shift back Zivvie! Jack and Jill's behavior is definitely rude. I'd say there's not much you can do about it this time, but definitely keep it in mind the next time you're invited to do something with them. It sounds like it's not worth moving mountains to accomodate them! But that doesn't mean that if you've got nothing better to do that it's not worth it to say yes.

[hamhock]

It would have been rude if they actually realize what they were doing, zivvie. I kinda think they are more ignorant, insensitive and clueless than anything

[sleepy]

hamhock said:

It would have been rude if they actually realize what they were doing, zivvie. I kinda think they are more ignorant, insensitive and clueless than anything

I hear what you're saying, but I often think that insentivity and cluelessness is rude. If you care enough, you'll take steps not to be insensitive. Or am I just being demanding? This is actually a problem with my friends sometimes. While I understand that sometimes things happen with no bad intention at all, I think that at a certain point, thoughtlessness itself is just plain old rude.

At any rate, zivvie, I'm glad you've worked things out for yourself.

[anne]

I have a strange etiquette question to throw out there ... Is there a proper way to handle a baby shower if the baby unexpectedly arrives before the shower? I am supposed to be attending a shower next Saturday. The guest of honor unexpectedly gave birth early - this past Wednesday. Her daughter is doing okay, but will be in the NICU for a few weeks. I'm wondering if the shower is still going to take place, but can't figure out if there is a good way to ask the women hosting it, or if I should just wait and see if I get a call changing things. On the one hand, I can see them cancelling it so the mother can be at the hospital with her daughter. On the other hand, there will have been enough time to allow the mother to recuperate from giving birth, and she could allow her husband to spend that time at the hospital with their daughter.