The Dukes of Hazzard

[borborygmus]

Every time I see this trailer, some more brains leak out of my head. This movie looks like warmed-over poo.

The TV series was crap, too, but this is huge budget feces. Pee-yew.

[sjankis630]

"God, please make this movie tank so badly that Hollywood will wake up out of their turning old TV shows into movies rut and spare us all the indignity and pain of suffering through another lame preview. "
Amen

[marywebgirl]

I can't wait until this movie opens and tanks so I never have to hear Simp talking about her undercarriage (which is the worst double entendre ever) in that awful accent ever again.

[huntergrayson]

It's barely a single entendre.

How can a Southerner not manage a Southern accent? The sad thing is that I've seen people actually defend her "accent" on other boards. It'll probably top the box office this weekend since it's hot as heck, people like air conditioned theatres and every US citizen has seen Wedding Crashers at this point.

My beloved Stephanie has already brought the snark: "[Daisy's] played by Jessica Simpson, a very tan girl with a smile attached, who looks a little surprised every time she's called upon to utter a line, which, fortunately, isn't very often."

It's at 25% at Rotten Tomatoes[/url]. That's pitiful. Not even fanboys (cough, AICN) seem to like it much.

Okay, I lied. The Village Voice wins with:

Shocked and delighted will you be to see real Hollywood actors and real musicians outperformed by your favorite inanimate objects! Watch smarmy Jackass Johnny Knoxville dominated by his aviator sunglasses! Enjoy hopelessly sweet chickenhead of the sea Jessica Simpson—exuding lacquered fembot hotness—shamed by a pair of shorts! Relish leatherface Burt Reynolds's capitulation to a bright white suit! And see old Willie Nelson lose out to a cloud of smoke!

[topher]

From the Chicago Trib:

Commenting on performances here is like critiquing the production design of a porno--it's beside the point.

[kostgard]

Oh, man. The critics are have a field day reviewing this one. When I first heard about it, I was interested because I liked the idea of Willie Nelson as Uncle Jessie. Now I just hope that he was stoned the whole time and that's his excuse.

This will probably have a decent first weekend, then it will sink like a stone.

As far as Simp's video goes - I saw it and thought it was just about the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. Special bonus at the beginning when Simp is practically carrying her tray horizontally, yet the (incredibly fake-looking)bottle of beer and the notepad don't fall off.

Then I read some article where Tawny Kittan (sp?) - the original video vixen - was reviewing videos and basically said this one was so terrible that she felt sorry for Simp.

[proper stranger]

Another hilarious review in today's Los Angeles Times.

"The Dukes of Hazzard" is a film that is not there. It can't really be reviewed because it doesn't really exist. It is not empty calories, which implies pleasure, but simply empty. It's a cosmic void where a movie ought to be.

and this on the Queen of Suck:

...Daisy Duke, played in her screen debut by Jessica Simpson, who's become quite the celebrity for reasons no one seems to remember.

[huntergrayson]

Then I read some article where Tawny Kittan (sp?) - the original video vixen - was reviewing videos and basically said this one was so terrible that she felt sorry for Simp.

Oh, it gets better. Tawny (and her daughter) bashed both Jessica and Paris's burger ad and praised Lohan. Yeah, they were outclassed in the battle of car-washing hos by Lindsay Lohan.

Fess up, guys. Which one of you is Kelly Ripa? Because Jessica was the cohost on the show this morning and Kelly was incredibly bitchy and passive-aggressive! Honestly, the claws were so far out that I swear she had to be trained in the art of snark.

[Ripley]

Normally I want to slap Stephen Hunter from The Washington Post, but he's earned points with me for his review of TDOH:

"The Dukes of Hazzard" is like a nice, deep breath of fresh gasoline.

At first, it's weirdly delicious and the memories it conjures, of fabulous trips through fabled landscapes, of freedom to the horizon and endless possibilities, are pleasant.

But soon enough the metallic bite takes over and clamps down, and before long you're thinking: Gack! My head is in a vise!

[Deleted]

I was interested because I liked the idea of Willie Nelson as Uncle Jessie. Now I just hope that he was stoned the whole time and that's his excuse.

Bwahhhhhhhh kostgard!! You rawk!! Me? I got nothin.