The Etiquette Thread

[eclair]

A friend is having a landmark birthday party this Sunday evening, Father's Day, which was a little annoying to me but it's in the evening so I'm seeing my dad in the morning, going to the party in the evening. I had electronically said that I plan to come. I got a reminder today, and it let me view the guest list. About 12 of us have replied, 'yes', about 6 replied 'no', 6 more said 'maybe' and 18 people have not yet replied! I know this has come up in this thread before, but I'm surprised at how many people having even replied with 'maybe'.

[Auroranorth]

My dad wears a baseball cap to keep the sun out of his eyes in summer and keep the top of his head warm in winter. It comes off when he goes inside, though.

ETA that he's been bald since the 50s- he started losing his hair early and just shaves his head rather than deal with combovers or whatever.

[chonies]

What’s the etiquette for encounters in neutral public spaces (post office, supermarket) when you see someone you know but they are presenting themselves very differently than they do in the realm in which you know them? As in, gender presentation?

As in, do I say hello?

[chitowngirl]

If you make eye contact, I’d just smile and say Hi. How are you? They’ll engage more if they want.

[ladyboy]

If they’re someone you know and like, and support however they’re presenting (meaning you’re not pearl clutching oh my godding about it), I’d agree. I think acting very normal about it all is the best reaction and lets them know you’re cool about it all, and takes some of the possible anxiety they have about worlds colliding away.

[chonies]

Ok, thanks—I wasn’t sure if this counted as “clocking” or not. For backstory, this is someone I know from work. We’re not close at all, but collegial, I guess. During the week K is an older middle aged guy (60ish) who wears khakis and polos. I’ve noticed over the years that he has meticulously tweezed eyebrows and on Mondays there are traces of polish on his nails, so I’ve wondered. I’m not shocked or surprised in the “breaking news” sense of the word, just aware that I saw him in a different manner than I usually do.

To be honest, it’s 50/50 if I’d say hello if he were in his work wear or turn down the other aisle, just because we don’t have much of a connection. It’s not tense, just sort of not there. And since we don’t have a social foundation, i’m not sure what’s best.

[Ginger]

I escorted my mother yesterday to the wedding of a family friend and thought I'd throw out a couple of things for discussion that I found interesting.

The groom was married to his first wife for 25 years, but she died of cancer about 10 years ago. He married an utterly wonderful woman and everyone at the wedding was thrilled for them.

In his speech, the groom briefly acknowledged his first wife, mainly by way of thanking his siblings for supporting him through her illness. He went on to refer to new wife as "the love of my life" twice. We weren't so sure that was the best term to use? Kind of implies wife #2 beats out wife #1? Especially in front of his two children from wife #1? I know he wanted to express his love for the new wife and probably wanted to be clear that she's not just a second-best substitute for someone else. And I don't know what he could have said instead, but I wasn't so sure about the deliberate emphasis on that expression.

Secondly, there were only two guests who showed up present in hand and I was one of them. There wasn't a gift table. It was awkward. Is bringing the present to the ceremony something that's no longer done? I always thought showing up empty-handed and sending the present later was the more awkward option. There was not a "no gifts" request from the bride and groom. Because it's a second wedding, are you supposed to be more discreet about gifts or something? Apart from immediate family, almost all of the attendees traveled very long distances to get to the wedding and maybe that had something to do with nobody having presents with them?

[scarlet]

I don't know about the gifts. They didn't say 'no gifts' so I would definitely get a gift. I'd probably bring it, too, and it seems strange that only you and one other person did. I guess most sent the gifts--which I think is fine, I'm just surprised it wasn't more evenly dispersed.

As to the 'love of my life,' that wording makes me uncomfortable. I sincerely hope my BIL can find someone to love after losing my sister, but I would feel really, oddly, hurt, if he referred to them the above way--especially in front of the kids from the deceased (hell, I think it's tacky when a divorced person does that in front of their kids from the first marriage, though, so maybe I'm just really an old fogie with decorum issues?).

[granolamom]

I think that older etiquette books suggest sending the gift, to an address you've acquired from the bride's parents (or whoever is hosting the celebration), so that the couple doesn't have to deal with them while trying to depart for the honeymoon. For a couple that are in their fifties (or so I'm guessing from the backstory), that doesn't seem to apply, though. They should have asked someone to monitor arriving gifts and had a place for them.

Calling wife #2 the "love of my life" in front of the children of wife #1 is super-awkward! Couldn't he have said something like "I'm so happy/lucky to have found <Wife 2>, who has filled my life with love"? Or find some way to refer to current happiness, without disrespecting former happiness.

[madangela]

I feel like “love of my life” is thrown around so often that its meaning has been watered down anyway. I’m sure he meant something like “my new love of my life,” which of course you can’t say. Love of my life - now; second love of my life... I dunno. I’m for leaving out trite phrases in general. I like the idea of totally alternate wording.

However, I’m pleased to hear they found each other, and wish them every happiness. Love stories are good to hear!